Word of the Day - Share

Mine, mine, mine, mine! But you can have some if you stay with me. Oh I shared, I shared a lot. In doing that I was really keeping the other person hostage because I needed to be validated. Yes, I’m sure they took advantage of the fact that I was giving them drugs. Maybe I wanted others to share in misery as well.  It’s not my place to say if any using buddies of mine were addicts too; I can only speak for myself.  

My addiction did progress to where I lost interest in sharing my drugs, sharing my body, sharing my anything with anyone. My only interest was using. Hardly existing, alone in my room, paranoid, delusional, hearing voices, suicidal, even homicidal thoughts; I left my room to make appointments to keep the facade of everything being all right. I didn’t believe that I was an addict; I wasn’t an addict like the ones I had seen portrayed in movies; No, no, I was not one of the those.

On one of those appointments to see my therapist I collapsed in the waiting room. It was then that I shared that I had been using crystal meth.  Finally, it was out.  Something I desparately needed to get out.  It still took another two years for me get clean.  

In recovery, I don’t have to live that way anymore; chasing the next hit; barely living; degraded; hopeless.  Today, I get to live in the now.  Stay clean is helping me do that.  I share my story because that’s not where i live anymore; I live in the present and I have to remind myself of where I don’t want to be; alone in a room shooting up or smoking on glass pipe wishing I were dead.  

I listen to others who have been through challenges in life and stayed clean and moved forward.  Those stories give me hope that I can push through my own trials.  Staying clean I get to work on building strong relationshps with friends new and old, with family members.  Without the need for reciprocation  I get to share my life, my story, my love, my experience, my strength, my hope - on day at a time