February 8th - In Thought
Coming into recovery, I was quite resistant to change. Change is scary. Especially when I was so used to misery that pain became my normal state.
I was filled with fear and doubt; afraid that I could not have a life without drugs and doubted there was any hope or help for me. It was the fear and the doubting that fueled my resistance.
My psychiatrist tried to get to convince to go to rehab during many sessions but I refused almost every time. I wasn’t ready. I tried stopping on my own and that lasted for a month. Maybe cause I was broke for 30 days, so I didn’t use. Even outpatient rehab he suggested and I said no.
Even in recovery I find myself resistant to things that are good for me. Staying connected with others that support me in my recovery. Doing simple things like making my bed in the morning or praying to be a better person so that I can be present for others I will put on the back-burner because I suddenly feel it’s not necessary . Thank God I can catch myself when I get into this mode. Also, I am grateful to have honest friends that will call me out on times when I am being resistant to change.
Recovery helps me to stop getting in my own way and to remain open to opportunities for a better way to live - one day at a time.