I hate asking for help. When I do, it’s usually the last resort. Expectations and reservations come with asking for help. Truth is, I don’t really believe that I deserve assistance in anything.

My stomach turns when I find myself asking someone to help me. Especially with money matters. Self-reliant, I should be. ‘I have survived with less,’ I tell myself. Certainly, I can get through this setback.

I don’t want to live my life full of resentments. When asking for help I must examine my motives, lower my expectations and dig deep for what reservations I may have. People are going to disappoint me. I am human and so is everyone else. I believe everyone has that one person in their life that is always saying that they’ll do this and that for you, or with you. Promises you things that you have never asked for, and those things are never come fruition. I’ve learned to not continue to reach for the dangling carrot, and I don’t bother to call them out on those offerings. I just smile and nod when I hear them talk it up. “That’s nice,” “Sounds like that would fun,” “Really?”

However, when it comes to when I truly need something, and I ask someone, out of desperation, for help, then please, don’t say, ‘yes,’ please don’t say that if you know you’re not going to do it.

It’s hard enough, deflating the ego and swallowing my pride; I already feel unworthy, undeserving, and not-good-enough. Sometimes the people closest to me are the ones that trigger these feelings. Truly, I’m tired of living in disappointment. It’s not their fault. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results. Sometimes the people closest to me are part of the people, places, and things that I need to stay away from.

This post is me processing my feelings. I am not in control of other people. I am, however, in control of how I react to people and how I react to situations. Getting high is never the right answer. Pushing through this; I’ll be ok.