January 11th - In Thought
One night I walked into a NYC dance club, someone put a key with white powder on the end of it under my nose, and felt that I had “arrived”. That was 19 years ago. My, how things have changed!
That night, on the dance floor, I thought I found what I’ve been searching for all my life. What exactly was it? I’m not sure, but I do know that it was different than the life I was living. I dove right into the club culture. My nights out progressed just like my drug use. First it was once a month, then every Friday night, after that came marathon weekends. Soon, I was at a bar or night club every night of the week except Tuesdays. Suicide Tuesdays.
After about 7 years I was starting to remove myself from club life and int another 3 years I was simply over it! I had moved to Florida for a change of scenery and things were going well. Even my drugs use lessened. Then I started getting that itch; I needed to dance. I was feeling homesick for the beats. Club culture was a lot different in Tampa. What the hell does one do when every place closes at 2am?! #GASP!!!
I found myself again entering into a world that was far from the dance floor and yet I felt I had “arrived”. The drugs became my main concern. I was no longer interested in the music. Hell, I was always too fucked up to even leave my apartment. Lost interest in school, movies, social events (unless drugs were there), art, watching PBS, reading; basically anything that would take time away from me using.
My using brought me to a point to where reading at an elementary school level was difficult. ***Oh yeah! I arrived alright - but I’m stuck and not going anywhere now***
For too long I truly felt that clubbing and drugging was what we ‘gays’ do. I didn’t know of life outside beyond the velvet rope or the baggy. Since I have put the drugs down, little by slowly, I can appreciate more of what the world has to offer. Appreciate the gifts that so many talented individuals share with the rest of the us. Recovery allows me to continue to open myself up to new experiences; not be stuck on a dance floor somewhere hardly moving while thinking that I am tearing up the floor with my moves.
By being in recovery, I get to learn more about what makes your world go round as well as mine - one day at a time.
***I was able to go to a club after my first year in recovery. I went for the music. I do love me some fierce beats. It’s not for everyone; made sure I had support while I am there and an exit plan.***