January 22nd - In Thought
“Feelings, nothing more than feelings”
I got upset yesterday over a little joke played on me. Now, on any other day I probably could have laughed it off with a “Aaah, you got me!” However, my reaction today was to isolate even in a room of people. I found myself brought back to Longfellow Junior High, where I was bullied.
My mother could see the route to the school from her bedroom window. I would walk right up to the block as she watched, but once I turned the corner I would run passed the schools entrance hoping that I wouldn’t be seen by the bullies.
Yesterday, I was suddenly 12 years old again; believing that I was hated by these individuals in the office; that they didn’t want me there; that I was less than et al. This feeling lingered even after the joke was over and someone asked if I was OK, I said I was fine. Why? What I was feeling about myself needed to be discussed with someone who could relate to addict’s mind. Also, if I had said what I was truly feeling to someone that was in on the joke or had knowledge of it, I may not have said anything helpful or anything nice.
It’s not the situations that brings us to using or relapsing. It’s not having healthy coping skills for the feelings that are kicked-up by the situation. I was irritable and discontent yesterday evening. I felt better after I shared about my feelings with someone else in recovery.
In recovery, I am given tools to cope with discomfort. Having faith that I will be taken care of, when using the tools, is a process. Sharing honestly about what I am feeling is one of the many tools I get to put to use - one day at a time.