Word of the Day - Begrudge

My mother tried her best to raise me to not be jealous of what others had especially if they worked to obtain their possessions or their success.

We didn’t have much and for a long time I wished for more.  Into adulthood there were less wishes and more jealousy and resentment.  I begrudge anyone their good luck, wealth, relationships, jobs, homes et al.  I felt I was being punished coupled with self-loathing I began to believe that I didn’t deserving happiness of any kind.

My using was a self-inflicting punishment.  Even though I used the drugs to numb out the pain, to fit in with crowd, to make me feel that I could do anything all the while I causing more pain in my list, creating a disconnect between me and the world, and not accomplishing much because I was high.  

As my using progressed the more I secretly resented everyone, even the people that I used with that felt had better lives than mine I resented.  Yet, some of them were just as sick and suffering as I was in my active addiction or worse.  

In recovery I still catch myself falling into wishful thinking mode.  That’s a dangerous place to be for me.  Wishing for material things or success is really just me dwelling on what I do not have.  

Staying clean takes work; it’s a successful day if I go to bed not having picked up that first one.  Recovery just doesn’t fall out of the sky nor do other things in that I want in my life.  

Being in recovery, I get to work on all aspects of my life; putting the effort in to live a happy fulfilling life and being happy for those that are having achieving success in their lives.  Truth is, I can learn something from their hard work - one day at a time.