Word of the Day - Appearance 

Dressing up the outside - literally.  I mentioned in another post on sex that i suffer from eczema.  It’s incurable just like the disease of addiction.  I still have uneven skin tone due to the many flair ups I have in my adolescence. I bring up the eczema because I am very familiar with covering up things on the outside.

I wore long sleeves and pants to cover my rashes, oozing flesh, scabs, and scars year round.  I would be made fun of during the summer months on the playground because I was not in shorts like everyone else.  Truth is, if they saw what was underneath, I would probably be feared and/or made fun of even more.  

My disease progressed to where I was using drugs intravenously and it started to show.  With every prick of the needle and tiny dark spot would be in its place a few days later.  I found myself again, fearing that people would know that I used drugs in that way that I long sleeves were what i wore again year-round.  I wanted to appear fine to everyone.  Little did I know that my behaviors did not match my outward appearance.  

Staying clean I get the chance to change from the inside out.   Prior to recovery, I thought I was fooling everyone else - I was just fooling myself.  

In recovery, I am learning how to be my true self and not worry about keeping up appearances - one day at a time.