Some feelings have been kicked up recently…

My crazy addict’s mind is trying to fool me into believing that I am lonely and alone - this is so far from the truth.  Nevertheless, the wheels are spinning in my head.  These thoughts become elaborate scenarios which I begin to emotionally feel that they are real and I end breaking my own heart in the end.  How? I suppose it is some form of a defense mechanism; If I end the made up relationship, I snap back into reality… But before reality sets in, I still feel the same painful emotions that come with the end of a romance.  I cannot tell you how many times I used to use drugs to numb the pain for something that never happened (it was all this Danielle Steel novel I written in my head).

I find myself, for past 24 hours, trying to deceive myself into thinking that I am lonely.. Why? So that I can pursue something that doesn’t exist except for in my own mind.  Deep down inside I want it to exist… All this because of one text message I received.