addict

What's Happening, Now?

It’s been quite some time since I have written a post relating to addiction and recovery.  Today, I came to realize something while I was checking an app that I recently started using; Timehop. I use the app to post daily throwbacks however, four years ago today and the days before there aren’t posts.  Well, it finally hit me; I had relapsed.  

I was in relapse mode fresh out rehab earlier in the month and didn’t really discuss with anyone.  It took a few weeks before I would pick up the drug (crystal meth) and ended up using for five days straight.  It was miserable and I am grateful that it did not last longer than five days and that it did not kill me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my life is not measured by how many posts I have on social media sites and the likes and comments I receive on those posts however; Timehop really brought it back for me.  It reminded med  that Nothing else goes in my life if I am using drugs.  Forget posting on social media for a moment; If I start using drugs, then I won’t go to work, won’t go to class, won’t stay in touch with my family or friends, won’t have savings, won’t take care of my cat, won’t clean my apartment, won’t pay my bills, I take care of myself… I can go on and on.  There honestly will be nothing going on in my life except for finding ways and means to get more drugs.  That’s not living; that’s not a life worth sharing with anyone.. Not on Facebook, not on Twitter, not on Google+ and certainly not in person. That’s not what is happening now.

Today, I’m clean and living a life beyond my wildest dreams.  It’s not what I thought it would be and it is better than it was four years ago and years before that. I have wonderful people in my life (family and friends).  No longer am I stuck trying to get the next hit.  I am actually living.  I know that tomorrow and probably a few days after there will not be any posts from four years ago for Timehop to show me (I used up until 10/23/10) and that’s OK.  Let it serve as a reminder that nothing good will from me picking up a drug.  October 24, 2010 was my first day, back from a relapse, without using a self-prescribed mood or mind altering substance.  That’s what’s happening; that’s what’s up! 

Grateful

#DRUGS #CrystalMeth Becoming More Popular in Germany - SPIEGEL ONLINE →

In recent years, crystal meth use seems to have exploded in Germany, particularly along the Czech border. As researchers are discovering, the population of users is much more diverse than many people expect.

The police received the emergency call at six o’clock in the morning on a Sunday. Patrick (not his real name) was screaming into his phone: “I’m being shot at!” Police special forces moved in — and, when they got there, discovered that a light bulb in Patrick’s IKEA lamp had exploded.

Only a few weeks later, the ambulance was called back to Patrick’s residence in the Bavarian city of Landshut. The 30-year-old had jumped out of the third floor window of his pre-war building in a panic. He had broken his shin in two places and splintered his heel bone because he thought he was being pursued by the Mafia.

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The Summer of No Shame 2013 | Facebook →

Christian Ledan

My name is Christian Ledan and I live in NYC, NY.

I learned of my #HIV status through the mail, on a Saturday, alone in my apartment, in Brooklyn, in April 2002. A few months prior I had flu like symptoms that I couldn’t shake and had gone to doctor in January, again in March, both times an HIV test was done with the results coming back negative. Due to being ill, I started thinking about what would happen if I died; who would pay for medical expenses and funeral costs? You know… all those morbid thoughts that one has when they get sick. Well, I decided to get a small life insurance plan that would help cover such costs since I was single and without children. 

In March of 2002 I met with a financial advisor signed up for retirement plan/life insurance policy. Wrote a check for the deposit and scheduled the appointment for the phlebotomist to come draw blood (a requirement for the life insurance plan). April Fools’ Day of all days was the day. Twenty days later, I received correspondence from the company. In the envelope was a check equal to the amount of my deposit, a letter stating that I was denied the plan, and a copy of the blood work which appeared to indicate that I had HIV antibodies. I had to wait until that Monday to fax the results to doctor. It was confirmed two weeks later. The same week my doctor confirmed the diagnosis I was laid-off from my job. 

I am what is called a nonprogressor; at the time of my diagnosis it common to suggest to wait before starting any HIV treatment. So that is what I did; waited. My t-Cells were always high and my Viral Load low. Physically, my body was doing a great job controlling the virus. Emotionally, I was torn up inside. I hid my pain very well from friends and family. I moved to Tampa to bring on a change and things started looking up. New home and a new job wasn’t enough. Suddenly I found myself using crystal meth. This became my solution to dealing with the pain. I had done plenty of club drugs for many years back when I dancing every weekend away but this time, with crystal, it was not on the dance floor. It was in my home. 

My blood work still looked good even after moving back to NYC and progressing to a daily IV user of meth. By now my new doctor was recommending that I start HIV meds, due to the advancements in medicine and less side effects, and I continued to decline. I excuse was that I am allergic to so many things (which is true) and I feared having a deadly reaction to the medication. The truth, I read up on some of the medications and what I truly feared was overdosing because I was active user of crystal meth and other substances. Truly insane thinking!

Today, I am in recovery. I’ve been clean since 10-24-2010! In the Spring of 2011 I had a talk with my current doctor and, although my numbers are still great, with his help I made the decision to start HIV treatment. He told me it was time to give my body a break and to let the medication do the work for me. I’ve been on Truvada and Isentress since August 2011, I am undetectable and my t-Cells are high. Recovery has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and there is no shame in being HIV+.

Wtf: Fight Over Woman Ends in Death After Man Shoves a Foot Up His Friend's Ass(via @Gawker) →

A Russian man was arrested late last month and charged with homicide after killing his friend by shoving a foot up his ass. Literally. According to local reports, Vladimir Krasnov, 28, of Nizhny Novgorod had decided to make good on the oft-heard threat following a drunken fight with his… READ MORE

February 28th - In Thought

Word of the day - Ornery:

Boy, did I ever think that I was nicest person you would ever meet especially when I was high.  Truth be told, yes I tried to be kind however I was just people pleasing to get my way, or I was too fucked up to argue anything.   Dealing with this ornery addict when he was not high was probably like pulling teeth.

I could hardly stand being around myself, so I am sure others were not content with having me around.  My self-righteous, judgmental, ill-tempered way about me was not cute.  

In early recovery suddenly I had emotions that I had not felt in a very long time and had to find a way to deal with them without using drugs.  I just broke up with my drug of choice and any break up is hard to go through.  Lashing out at those who were trying to help me became an all too frequent thing.  

Happiness is another feeling that was like brand new to me.  Today, because of recovery, I am generally happy and that happiness I wish to share with others.   Not in a boasting ‘oh look at me’ way but rather in a I grateful to have wonderful people in my life that have supported me in my trying to stay clean and part of my happiness is due to these great folks being in my life.  So, I wish be in their lives more to show my appreciation and share the happiness that they bring me with them.  

Putting everything I’ve just stated into practice is the challenge.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ still tells me that no one wants to be around me and that no one cares.  I just need to push through that!

Recovery has given me the opportunity to grow and change into a person that I want to be around - one day at a time

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time