reflection

It’s in the male...

This month… 13 years ago… Three letters changed my life… it wasn’t a doctor that told me… I learned of it by reading a life insurance rejection notice I received in the mail along with my deposit refunded to me. Two weeks later my doctor confirmed what the notice stated.

A new life began with one sentence… a death sentence, it was never.

February 29th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Dream:

A life beyond my wildest dreams.  That’s what is possible in recovery.  

For me, wildest dreams equals nightmares.  What had become life, what I made my life into, and how I saw my life as being was all a nightmare.  Thinking that I had arrived, that I somehow was fulfilling my dreams on a dance floor, doing another bump, and not sleeping until Sunday evening was truly insane thinking.  I was accomplishing nothing more than escaping my reality for brief periods of time.  

The lights always came on… and life outside would always be there.  

So discontent with my present I blamed everything on others; My parents, the educational system, my family, God, being black in America, a boss or an organization et al were all to blame for my present hardship.  Hmmmm, maybe it’s the drugs, I said never.  

I would beat myself up about not pursuing a dream of mine to be a singer (at one time in my life, I did have a great singing voice).  Naturally, I blamed my parents and the educational system for my lack of motivation to chase this dream.  That didn’t work out very well.  Putting down the ‘party’ didn’t really cross my mind.  

Not having a degree; well, that’s because I’m black in America.  Wrong!  Maybe it was being at the club/bar on a school night was more important.  Yup, that could have been it. 

If I were not fired from that job, then I would be running that company by now.  Oh really, with what degree. and how many Mondays did I miss work? I dreamed big, I made Associate.  Oh wait, that what they call all their employees.  

So, what happens now?

I stopped using drugs and started working on the issues that I became am Escape-aholic to cope with.  I am still working on those issues.  I try to not blame others for my challenges in life.  I know now and accept my limitations and seek out help when needed.  I concentrate on my strengths and try not sabotage things that are going well and in their own time (that’s the toughest one). In doing that, new dreams have awakened.  Dreams of happiness, of having and keeping wonderful people in my life and me being a part of their lives, of being a better person today than I was yesterday, achieving my goals not for status but because it can be done and it feels right. 

As long as I do not pickup that first drugs, I will far removed from the nightmare and the possibilities are endless.  In recovery I get to live in the present, dream big, and do something about it - one day at a time.

March 1st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Intuition:

It burned and my eye teared when I did it…

If I knew how many tears I would shed after that first bump, I would have never done it in the first place.  

Looking for an escape from life, I though I had found it and that I had arrived when I got to the corner of 27th Street and 12th Avenue (The Tunnel).  I took a bus from Rockland County, NY (the last bus) to NYC not really knowing where I was going.  Didn’t know, 20 years ago, that Chelsea was not a safe place to walk through.  I was determined to meet the guy I was chatting with on the chatline.  

Nothing told me that anything I was doing was wrong.  I walked over to 12th Avenue and walked down to 27th Street.  From across the street I could see all these amazing characters waiting to be let in.  I looked at my own attire and felt so out of place.  Still across the street, I got to curb and was ready to turn back around, even thought I didn’t know how I was going to get back home, when the doorperson pointed at me (the lonely boy across the street) and beckoned me to come.  Everyone on line, and waiting for the guest list turned around and watched as I entered the club.  When I say I felt like I arrived, that was the start of it.

No gut feeling told me to do it, nor did one tell me to not do it.  All I know is that I thought I found the answers to everything that night.  I did many drugs that night not paying for any of it.  I met the guy, nothing happened except him introducing me to crystal meth and me saying hello to her.  His friends, knowing that I was club virgin provided all the other drugs.  

I experienced 2 blackouts that night and still I didn’t stop.  From then on it became second nature… the party, the drugs, where to go and where to find it.  Nothing else mattered.  Any gut feelings I had about anything did not stop me from getting the next hit.  

Situations did indeed baffle me.  Towards the end, I moved at the speed of Fucked Up.  Saying a complete sentence was difficult let alone trying to understand what someone was telling me.  At any moment in my active addiction, I could have been stopped by authorities or doors could have been busted open by the FEDs while I sat in a drug dealer’s home waiting to get loaded.  Something like that probably would not have phased me except for the fact I would wonder how I was going to get another hit.  

Now, in recovery, I am given the opportunity relearn interacting with others.  I learn from others how deal with, cope with, handle those baffling situation in healthy ways.  I know trust my gut feeling maybe because I have developed a conscience now while before my main concern was getting high and fuck whatever else could happen.  

Recovery has helped me to gain insight on many level regarding day to day living.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ does still get in the way but with practice I can learn to stop those negative thought processes refocus on living life on life’s terms - one day at a time  

February 28th - In Thought

Word of the day - Ornery:

Boy, did I ever think that I was nicest person you would ever meet especially when I was high.  Truth be told, yes I tried to be kind however I was just people pleasing to get my way, or I was too fucked up to argue anything.   Dealing with this ornery addict when he was not high was probably like pulling teeth.

I could hardly stand being around myself, so I am sure others were not content with having me around.  My self-righteous, judgmental, ill-tempered way about me was not cute.  

In early recovery suddenly I had emotions that I had not felt in a very long time and had to find a way to deal with them without using drugs.  I just broke up with my drug of choice and any break up is hard to go through.  Lashing out at those who were trying to help me became an all too frequent thing.  

Happiness is another feeling that was like brand new to me.  Today, because of recovery, I am generally happy and that happiness I wish to share with others.   Not in a boasting ‘oh look at me’ way but rather in a I grateful to have wonderful people in my life that have supported me in my trying to stay clean and part of my happiness is due to these great folks being in my life.  So, I wish be in their lives more to show my appreciation and share the happiness that they bring me with them.  

Putting everything I’ve just stated into practice is the challenge.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ still tells me that no one wants to be around me and that no one cares.  I just need to push through that!

Recovery has given me the opportunity to grow and change into a person that I want to be around - one day at a time

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time 

February 26th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Give:

I give up! I don’t give a shit! Give me another chance!

I said the above many times in my life.  Lots of times I would give up before attempting start something.  Afterwards, I would lie to myself about giving a shit about it, or I would just tell myself that no one else cares anyway.  Always hoping for another chance if that something was going to be taken away.  

In the end, I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on living a fulfilling life.  All that mattered was getting the next hit.  They are some ‘yets’ in my story, but I was getting closer and closer doing things for that next hit that I thought would do.  Giving away property, my body… giving my dignity and integrity to the devil as long as I could get high.  So glad that I do not have to live that way anymore.

Recovery has given me an amazing gift; Hope.  It took some time to build up in me, but I feel strongly that all will be well as long as do not pick up that first one.  Sure, I have my bad days but I can get through them knowing that the next day things might be better.  

The hope that I have I try to share it with others.  Maybe what I share with them will help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is happiness in giving someone something that was freely given to me.  In my active addiction, life was more about taking than giving.  I was never satisfied; the more I took the more I wanted.  

One of the best things, I think, to give, is time.  I do get a lot out spending time with others when I give myself the time to do so.  Staying clean, I get to practice giving without expecting anything in return - one day at a time  

February 25th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Imperious

My life was centered around and ruled by drugs.  The imperious urge to find and get more by all means necessary.  I may have not gotten arrested and there a certainly things that I had not done yet, but as my disease progressed so did what I would do to get the next one.

I am so grateful that, today, I do not have to live my life one hit at a time.  Cravings still pop up now and then however, today I have tools to keep me from acting on those cravings.  

In recovery, there will be cravings (crazy thoughts too).  With the support of my friends and family and by being honest with what I am going through I can push through those cravings and stay clean - one day at a time

February 24th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Venture:

I don’t believe that I have ever used this word correctly; I did not know that it involved risk.  How many times did I venture out all in the name finding the next hit.  

Every time that I was in public while under the influence, I was at risk of being arrested.  At any moment, where I sat in a drug dealer’s home, there could have been a raid and I would have been arrested.  Many times, in a paranoid state, I stepped out and into situations that I could have hurt myself or someone else (I once walk 9.5 miles because I was to paranoid to stay on the subway train).  Luckily, I made it to my destination (took over 3 hours, in the middle of the night… going from one borough to the next).  SO GRATEFUL that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

Now what about the road to recovery?  It was a venture that I was afraid to take and so desperately needed at the end of my active addiction.  

Life comes with risks and challenges.  Recovery has giving me the tools to help me make better decisions, to assess situations to ask for help, to question my perception of things; to pause.  I still make bad choices at times however, I am not beating myself up the way I used to about these ‘bad" choices.  There are lessons to be learned in everyone of them one of them being, which road not to take.

Staying clean opens the door to new possibilities.  I get to choose where I to take my life that is best for me - one day at a time