story

The Summer of No Shame 2013 | Facebook

Christian Ledan

My name is Christian Ledan and I live in NYC, NY.

I learned of my #HIV status through the mail, on a Saturday, alone in my apartment, in Brooklyn, in April 2002. A few months prior I had flu like symptoms that I couldn’t shake and had gone to doctor in January, again in March, both times an HIV test was done with the results coming back negative. Due to being ill, I started thinking about what would happen if I died; who would pay for medical expenses and funeral costs? You know… all those morbid thoughts that one has when they get sick. Well, I decided to get a small life insurance plan that would help cover such costs since I was single and without children. 

In March of 2002 I met with a financial advisor signed up for retirement plan/life insurance policy. Wrote a check for the deposit and scheduled the appointment for the phlebotomist to come draw blood (a requirement for the life insurance plan). April Fools’ Day of all days was the day. Twenty days later, I received correspondence from the company. In the envelope was a check equal to the amount of my deposit, a letter stating that I was denied the plan, and a copy of the blood work which appeared to indicate that I had HIV antibodies. I had to wait until that Monday to fax the results to doctor. It was confirmed two weeks later. The same week my doctor confirmed the diagnosis I was laid-off from my job. 

I am what is called a nonprogressor; at the time of my diagnosis it common to suggest to wait before starting any HIV treatment. So that is what I did; waited. My t-Cells were always high and my Viral Load low. Physically, my body was doing a great job controlling the virus. Emotionally, I was torn up inside. I hid my pain very well from friends and family. I moved to Tampa to bring on a change and things started looking up. New home and a new job wasn’t enough. Suddenly I found myself using crystal meth. This became my solution to dealing with the pain. I had done plenty of club drugs for many years back when I dancing every weekend away but this time, with crystal, it was not on the dance floor. It was in my home. 

My blood work still looked good even after moving back to NYC and progressing to a daily IV user of meth. By now my new doctor was recommending that I start HIV meds, due to the advancements in medicine and less side effects, and I continued to decline. I excuse was that I am allergic to so many things (which is true) and I feared having a deadly reaction to the medication. The truth, I read up on some of the medications and what I truly feared was overdosing because I was active user of crystal meth and other substances. Truly insane thinking!

Today, I am in recovery. I’ve been clean since 10-24-2010! In the Spring of 2011 I had a talk with my current doctor and, although my numbers are still great, with his help I made the decision to start HIV treatment. He told me it was time to give my body a break and to let the medication do the work for me. I’ve been on Truvada and Isentress since August 2011, I am undetectable and my t-Cells are high. Recovery has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and there is no shame in being HIV+.