addiction

This GivingTuesday I’m raising money for The Blackyard Collective NYC and your contribution will make an impact, whether you donate $5 or $500.


The Blackyard Collective is a support network for Black queer people recovering from addiction and alcoholism, whose goal is to build and sustain a community of care grounded in self-love and mutual respect.


We host shared meals, social gatherings, and spiritual retreats that center queerness, Blackness, and wellness in order to uplift the dignity of our identities and experiences so that we might live free from addiction and alcoholism.


Every little bit helps.


Thank you for your support.


To learn more about The Blackyard Collective, visit: www.theblackyard.org

have a great holiday

Bad or good cranberry sauce is not a reason to use… stay connected!

You are loved even if the turkey is dry.

Don’t put raisins in the potato salad, and dont use over it.

Your shameless uncle and judgemental auntie are not reasons to use. Call somebody and vent about it.

You are an adult… you can leave the table, grab your coat, and go home at any time you wish.

You need not endure insults from anyone, nor is there any amount of pumpkin pie worth giving up your sanity for or giving up your recovery.

Christian Ledan

Detachment + Love Addiction/Romantic Obsession

angelindiskies:

angelindiskies:

Part of my story is Love Addiction and Romantic Obsession.
Detachment is one of the main tools to use to stay in recovery.  

Whenever I have been in a relationship, I have found myself enmeshed with my partner’s life and issues.  It is almsot to say that I have given up the right to be an individual; ‘I’ am not important but the ‘relationship’ and my partner’s opinion is all that matters.  

When my partner is not present I find myself lost, not knowing what to do with myself.  I get caught up in what my partner may possibly be doing at any specific moment. Time that could be spent on my own self-care is spent worrying, fantasizing, coming up with things to do that would please him.  Most of this stems from a fear of abandonment, a need to feel acceptable and wanted.  A similar sense of fear causes me to look outside myself for solution; I turned to drugs.  Well, an unhealthy obsession with a person, whether it is your partner or not, is like taking drugs. 

I felt that being with someone, or in-love with someone, was the solution to all of my problems.  To escape my problems I made their issues mine.  This is just as destructive as me as taking drugs.  

I am not in a relationship now but I had recently developed romantic obsession.  When I am not in a relationship, all I can think about is being in one.  I created an image, an illusion, in my mind of what the perfect relationship would be; what the perfect mate would be like.  When I first saw him walk in the room, he became the poster-boy of that illusion. This was not the first time this had happened. 

Awareness of my behavior was key.  I recognized the pattern and took action immediately.  It started with avoidance (less interaction; no calls, no touching, trying not to flirt).  Even with these measures the obsession grew.  I wanted to be where he was; wanted to know what he was doing; if he asked, I would do whatever he wanted. 

It wasn’t until I started detaching myself emotionally that I was able to let go of the obsession. The hardest part was keeping myself from being pulled back in.  Whether he is a partner or not, some of these men enjoy and seek the attention.  I had to come to understanding that their issues, their seeking of validation, their ways of coping with anger and any other feelings are their shortcomings, not mine.  I can easily start to feel that it’s my fault, I need to please him, I have to fix this, I don’t want him to be angry, I don’t want him to hate, or leave me. 

Detachment is not turning your back, or being cold.  Detachment, for me, is separating myself emotionally when allowing myself to get involved would not be conducive to my recovery and my well-being, no matter what drug of choice; person, place, or thing.

________________

Please feel free to comment below.  I still have a lot to learn about myself and my addiction(s) and living life in recovery. 

An update to the post above….

That romantic obsession I had developed…. It turns out, the best thing for me to do was to simply hang out with the person more on my terms or terms we both agreed on. Also to actively listen to the person. Remember the obsession was really my being in-love with an illusion of him. The more I learned about him the more I realized that he could never be what I imagined. My unreachable standard (my fantasy) was something that no one could live up to.  The obsession was lifted. 

Actively listening gave me the opportunity to detach from the fantasy and to empathize and identify with the person that I now only see a friend. 

What Is Emotional Relapse? - Lasting Recovery Outpatient Addiction Treatment →

Emotional Relapse Defined

Because it is the earliest stage, during emotional relapse you have not yet even started to think about drinking or using. Instead, you are experiencing negative emotions and acting in self-destructive ways that can undermine and jeopardize your continued recovery.

Signs of Emotional Relapse

Some of the “red flag” emotions include:

Anxiety – overwhelming uncertainty or fear about your new, sober life

Intolerance – rigid, uncompromising ideas; refusal to cooperate with others or accept new ideas

Anger – feelings of resentment that flare up whenever something doesn’t go exactly as you would like

Defensiveness – reacting to any criticism with hostility

Mood Swings – having no control over how you feel

Some of the dysfunctional behaviors include:

Social Isolation – avoiding friends and family; purposely spending all of your time alone

Refusing to ask for help – trying to “do it all” without assistance, especially when you KNOW that you need help

Poor Meeting Attendance – finding excuses to not go to 12-Step (AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery) meetings or outpatient counseling sessions

Unhealthy Eating Habits – eating as a response to emotional pain or stress; eating only fast food or junk; alternatively, loss of appetite

Disrupted Sleep Patterns – insomnia, poor quality sleep; alternately, excessive sleeping, usually because of depression

Avoiding Emotional Relapse

There are 3 keys to avoid emotional relapse and other, more progressive stages:

Self-Awareness –This means actively practicing better knowledge of your moods and emotions.

Self-Care –This simply means making it a habit to do those things that are necessary for your physical and emotional well-being.

Eating right

Relaxation techniques

Stress Reduction

Getting enough restful sleep

Ask for help –Addiction is too big a problem to tackle alone. Accepting help from positive and supportive people gives you additional resources and keeps you from feeling isolated.

Pulling back from emotional relapse keeps you away from the next, more dangerous step –, where you actually start about using or drinking again.