alcoholism

Can I Get a Witness?!!

Prince Charming doesn’t exist and I am no longer chasing that illusion of the perfect mate that will make everything rainbows & unicorns forever.  However, I find myself faced with another need for a prince, Prince Confirming.  

I have received many gifts in recovery one of which is a new found happiness and the acceptance of self.  The start of a brand new way to live without the use of drugs.  I set out on returning to school, finding a new home, getting a job, and reconnecting with true-friends and family.  Truly, I am generally happy everyday.  My problems (challenges) are luxury problems.   Suddenly, the momentum slowed on certain fronts.  

Why, knowing that I am in a great place, would I slow the efforts on achieving goals that will keep in that great place?  Prince Confirming, that’s why!  There is this new need/want to have someone in my life to share this happiness with.  This happiness doesn’t not stem from having materialistic things or having some high social standing (I don’t have a large wallet and what others think of me is really none of my business).  It comes from having some peace; knowing that whatever happens I will be taken care of; knowing that I am loved and I have greater love for myself today.  It’s not a glitter parade everyday but I can get through anything especially if I don’t pickup a drug. 

Am I really at peace? Why the stand still?

Little by slowly, great things are happening in my life (staying clean is a daily miracle!!) and I want a witness.  Hmmm, first I said, “…someone in my life to share this happiness with,” and now it’s something else.  I am not on a desperate search for Prince Confirming, but recently I find myself dreaming of the guy that will be there to bear witness to my achievements, big or small.  So, I have seemingly put stuff on the back burner waiting for Prince Confirming to come around so he can begin to observe it all coming together. This is totally self-centered thinking (look at me, praise me, YOU [not me] will show the world that I am not a fraud).  This is me wanting instant validation and gratification from something outside myself (addict behavior).  I wonder what color the horse Prince Confirming rides in on will be… anyway! What if he never shows up?!?

Maybe because of recent events on the dating scene I suddenly have flipped into this mindset however, being aware of this now I can dig deeper what was my part in all of it.  I can step away from blaming the situation or the person but rather begin to look got the exact nature of this manifestation of Prince Confirming.  

They say, “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.”  Recovery has taught me, by sharing how I have done it and what I continue to do to be happy, that my experience will benefits others.  

Right now, I do know if I continue waiting for a witness, then I will never get to accomplishing anything but waiting.  The only person that I need to witness, allow, accept, and validate my successes and happiness is the man in the mirror.  

Wtf: Fight Over Woman Ends in Death After Man Shoves a Foot Up His Friend's Ass(via @Gawker) →

A Russian man was arrested late last month and charged with homicide after killing his friend by shoving a foot up his ass. Literally. According to local reports, Vladimir Krasnov, 28, of Nizhny Novgorod had decided to make good on the oft-heard threat following a drunken fight with his… READ MORE

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The Chart is from the US Dept of Agriculture

I guess for a person in recovery it would be a personal decision.  One does have to eat, and if it bothers you, then you probably should not choose the item on the menu that has a wine sauce or liqueur in it.  If you are choosing the meal because it has alcohol in it, then you probably should choose something else.  

Sometimes, a person may be a guest at someone’s home and won’t know that a dish was cooked with alcohol and probably won’t be in a position to ask beforehand.  Again, I believe it’s up to the individual whether they will have meals that are cooked with alcohol.  Talk to someone in your support network.

Don’t let anyone judge you for choosing Yea of Nay.

It's all in the mind (or defending ourselves against reality)

onlinecounsellingcollege:

Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that help us to cope with reality whilst also preserving our self esteem. Normal, healthy people use them regularly. Examples could include humour, thought suppression or sublimation (transforming negative emotions into positive actions - like helping a friend when we’re feeling sad or down). They only become pathological when they lead to problematic behaviours that compromise our health or relationships. Examples of unhealthy defenses include:

Acting out: This is directly expressing an unconscious impulse without realising what is driving the behaviour.

Fantasy: This is retreating to a fantasy world to escape, or resolve, conflicts we are battling with.

Idealization: This is unconsciously choosing to see another person as being more ideal or perfect than they really are.

Passive aggression: This is expressing our anger indirectly, for example, through being late or doing something that “inadvertently” destroys another’s plans.

Projection: This is attributing our own unacknowledged, and unacceptable, thoughts and emotions onto someone else.

Somatization: This is translating negative thoughts and feelings into physical symptoms. For example, suffering from migraines when you’re dealing with a difficult relationship.

Denial: This is refusing to accept reality because it is too painful or threatening.

Regression: This is temporarily reverting to an earlier stage of development to avoid handling problems and concerns in a more appropriate and adult way.

Distortion: This is totally reshaping your picture of reality so it’s now consistent with your internal needs.

Splitting: This is a primitive defense where the negative and positive aspects are split off – and there’s no integration of these parts at all. For example, the person may view others as being either completely good or completely evil, rather than a mixture of good and bad traits.

Do you have High or Low Self Esteem?

onlinecounsellingcollege:

High self-esteem

A person with high self-esteem is likely to demonstrate the following characteristics:

1. Knows what they value and believe. Is happy and willing to defend their viewpoints, even when others disagree with them. Are secure enough to modify and change their views or behaviour in light of new information and experience.

2. Makes decisions and acts based on their own assessments and judgments. Doesn’t feel guilty if others don’t like, or disagree with, their choices.

 3. Doesn’t waste time worrying about things that went wrong in the past, nor about things that could go wrong in the future. They learn from mistakes, plan for the future, and live life fully in the present.

4. Have faith in themselves, their ability to solve problems, and to cope with life’s challenges. They are not undermined by past failures and challenges. They are able to ask for help when they need it.

5. Respect themselves and other people. They don’t see themselves as being better or worse than others. Instead, they recognise that people are simply different from each other.

6. Values and are interested in themselves and their life – and takes it for granted that others will like and value them, too (at least their close friends and family).  

7. Resists being manipulated by others. Will only adapt and collaborate with others if it is appropriate and convenient. Isn’t easily threatened or undermined by others.

8. Has no problem admitting that they have their ups and downs, and things go badly or fall apart at times.  They are also aware of, and sensitive to, the feelings and needs of others.   

In summary: A person with high self-esteem is confident in who they are. They don’t need constant reassurances from others to maintain a positive view of themselves.

Low self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem is likely to demonstrate the following characteristics:

1. Experiences intense self-criticism. Is usually dissatisfied with themselves and their personality.

2. Is hypersensitive to criticism from others. Experiences feelings of intense resentment towards the person who is criticising them.  Feels as if they are constantly being attacked and criticised by others.

3. Suffers from chronic indecision as they’re terrified of making a mistake.

4. Has an excessive desire to please and be acceptable to others; really does not want to upset or displease anyone who is important to them.

 5. Demonstrates perfectionist tendencies. This leads to frustration as perfection is not an achievable goal.

 6. Lives with constant feelings of neurotic guilt. Continually ruminates on, and over-exaggerates, past mistakes and failings.

7.  Is constantly fighting feelings of free floating anxiety and hostility; also, feelings of irritability and defensiveness. These are not necessarily tied into any particular person or event.

8. Generally feels pessimistic about things. Expects to do badly, or for things to go wrong. Views temporary setbacks as being permanent, and terrible.

In summary: People with low self-esteem are often devastated any kind of negative feedback or criticism. They tend to take it very personally. This is partly because they are already highly critical of themselves, and depend on the approval of others in order to feel OK.

February 29th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Dream:

A life beyond my wildest dreams.  That’s what is possible in recovery.  

For me, wildest dreams equals nightmares.  What had become life, what I made my life into, and how I saw my life as being was all a nightmare.  Thinking that I had arrived, that I somehow was fulfilling my dreams on a dance floor, doing another bump, and not sleeping until Sunday evening was truly insane thinking.  I was accomplishing nothing more than escaping my reality for brief periods of time.  

The lights always came on… and life outside would always be there.  

So discontent with my present I blamed everything on others; My parents, the educational system, my family, God, being black in America, a boss or an organization et al were all to blame for my present hardship.  Hmmmm, maybe it’s the drugs, I said never.  

I would beat myself up about not pursuing a dream of mine to be a singer (at one time in my life, I did have a great singing voice).  Naturally, I blamed my parents and the educational system for my lack of motivation to chase this dream.  That didn’t work out very well.  Putting down the ‘party’ didn’t really cross my mind.  

Not having a degree; well, that’s because I’m black in America.  Wrong!  Maybe it was being at the club/bar on a school night was more important.  Yup, that could have been it. 

If I were not fired from that job, then I would be running that company by now.  Oh really, with what degree. and how many Mondays did I miss work? I dreamed big, I made Associate.  Oh wait, that what they call all their employees.  

So, what happens now?

I stopped using drugs and started working on the issues that I became am Escape-aholic to cope with.  I am still working on those issues.  I try to not blame others for my challenges in life.  I know now and accept my limitations and seek out help when needed.  I concentrate on my strengths and try not sabotage things that are going well and in their own time (that’s the toughest one). In doing that, new dreams have awakened.  Dreams of happiness, of having and keeping wonderful people in my life and me being a part of their lives, of being a better person today than I was yesterday, achieving my goals not for status but because it can be done and it feels right. 

As long as I do not pickup that first drugs, I will far removed from the nightmare and the possibilities are endless.  In recovery I get to live in the present, dream big, and do something about it - one day at a time.

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time 

February 25th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Imperious

My life was centered around and ruled by drugs.  The imperious urge to find and get more by all means necessary.  I may have not gotten arrested and there a certainly things that I had not done yet, but as my disease progressed so did what I would do to get the next one.

I am so grateful that, today, I do not have to live my life one hit at a time.  Cravings still pop up now and then however, today I have tools to keep me from acting on those cravings.  

In recovery, there will be cravings (crazy thoughts too).  With the support of my friends and family and by being honest with what I am going through I can push through those cravings and stay clean - one day at a time

February 24th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Venture:

I don’t believe that I have ever used this word correctly; I did not know that it involved risk.  How many times did I venture out all in the name finding the next hit.  

Every time that I was in public while under the influence, I was at risk of being arrested.  At any moment, where I sat in a drug dealer’s home, there could have been a raid and I would have been arrested.  Many times, in a paranoid state, I stepped out and into situations that I could have hurt myself or someone else (I once walk 9.5 miles because I was to paranoid to stay on the subway train).  Luckily, I made it to my destination (took over 3 hours, in the middle of the night… going from one borough to the next).  SO GRATEFUL that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

Now what about the road to recovery?  It was a venture that I was afraid to take and so desperately needed at the end of my active addiction.  

Life comes with risks and challenges.  Recovery has giving me the tools to help me make better decisions, to assess situations to ask for help, to question my perception of things; to pause.  I still make bad choices at times however, I am not beating myself up the way I used to about these ‘bad" choices.  There are lessons to be learned in everyone of them one of them being, which road not to take.

Staying clean opens the door to new possibilities.  I get to choose where I to take my life that is best for me - one day at a time