question

The field of play...

So, I was in a relationship (when I say ‘relationship’ I mean of any kind; the man behind the counter at the corner store and I are in a relationship.. it’s only a Hi, how are you? and see ya later type thing but it is a relationship nonetheless), so this 'relationship’ which I thought was developing into a romantic one turned out to not be what I hoped for, or what I was putting in the effort to have it be.  Anyway, you know what? That’s ok!

Well, in focusing on what I thought was in front of me, I shied away from, or declined, the advances of gentlemen callers (there were a few).  Why?  I suppose as to not get my feelings confused.  Playing the field is something that I fear.  Fear of falling for more than one guy; fear of hurting someone; fear of having to keep secrets about whom else I’m dating; fear of being labelled easy or a slut.  Plus, I do like to see where things are headed when I feel something is right.  If it doesn’t work out, then I take a break and move on.  

Playing the field seems to work for others and they enjoy the meeting different people.  Not saying that I don’t enjoy meeting guys; I’m just unsure if I’m emotionally equipped for this ball game.   I could be missing out something though.  Putting all my eggs in one basket while suddenly the road has become a cobblestone street, it’s night time, dark, and I’m walking in stilettos, what do I do?

It’s time to put myself out there!  There plenty of men, and plenty of baskets *blush*

Don’t you think?

So I asked...

The important word here is Feel…

This is how I felt when I woke up this morning.  I did not feel this last night, and I currently don’t feel this way.  Feelings are not facts, but it is a fact that I do feel; I’m human.  I am processing events that have occurred recently which have triggered feelings of undeserving, not being good enough, embarrassment, feeling stupid, and today used.  

However, I am deserving, good enough, have nothing to be embarrassment about regarding these last few days, I am not stupid, and whether or not I was being used, there is no evidence to support that either side.  These are just feelings and I am processing them, in my own way, without having to use a drug to numb out or use a person to validate me.  

Going through what I am/was feeling.. The undeserving and not good enough kicked up lots of childhood drama.  The truth is I am not a child and how I was treated then does not mirror what is happening now.  Being embarrassed and feeling stupid because I am asking myself, “Did this just happen again?” In all honesty, the situation and circumstances are not the same as before even though my feelings are similar.  As for being used, an unhealthy coping mechanism for what I am feeling is to blame something or someone else.  

So I asked..

“You ever feel like you were just someone’s boot disk until they figure out what’s wrong w/their system then back in the drawer you go?”

Idea for tattoo

Well… I am thinking of getting a sleeve… left arm.  Possibly the Serenity Prayer is different languages starting with English at my shoulder and ending with Haitian Kreyol at my wrist.  In between the two would be Arabic, Japanese, Hindi, Latin, and various other languages; whatever will fit and still leave room for the Kreyol version. 

Any thoughts?

A white man asked his black friend, ‘Are you voting for Barack Obama just because he’s black?’

The black man responded by saying, 'Why not? Hell, in this country men are pulled over everyday just because they’re black; passed over for promotions just because they’re black; considered to be criminals just because they’re black; and there are going to be thousands of you who won’t be voting for him just because he’s black!

However, you do not seem to have a problem with that! This country was built with the sweat and whip off the black slaves’ back, and now a black man of African descent has a chance to lead the same country, where we weren’t even considered to be people, where we weren’t allowed to be educated, drink from the same water fountains, eat in the same restaurants, or even vote.

So yes! I’m going to vote for him! But it’s not just because he’s black, but because he is hope, he is change, and he now allows me to understand when my grandson says that he wants to be president when he grows up, it is not a fairy tale but a short-term goal. He now sees, understands and knows that he can achieve, withstand and do ANYTHING just because he’s black.