anniversary
This month… 13 years ago… Three letters changed my life… it wasn’t a doctor that told me… I learned of it by reading a life insurance rejection notice I received in the mail along with my deposit refunded to me. Two weeks later my doctor confirmed what the notice stated.
A new life began with one sentence… a death sentence, it was never.
It’s been quite some time since I have written a post relating to addiction and recovery. Today, I came to realize something while I was checking an app that I recently started using; Timehop. I use the app to post daily throwbacks however, four years ago today and the days before there aren’t posts. Well, it finally hit me; I had relapsed.
I was in relapse mode fresh out rehab earlier in the month and didn’t really discuss with anyone. It took a few weeks before I would pick up the drug (crystal meth) and ended up using for five days straight. It was miserable and I am grateful that it did not last longer than five days and that it did not kill me.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my life is not measured by how many posts I have on social media sites and the likes and comments I receive on those posts however; Timehop really brought it back for me. It reminded med that Nothing else goes in my life if I am using drugs. Forget posting on social media for a moment; If I start using drugs, then I won’t go to work, won’t go to class, won’t stay in touch with my family or friends, won’t have savings, won’t take care of my cat, won’t clean my apartment, won’t pay my bills, I take care of myself… I can go on and on. There honestly will be nothing going on in my life except for finding ways and means to get more drugs. That’s not living; that’s not a life worth sharing with anyone.. Not on Facebook, not on Twitter, not on Google+ and certainly not in person. That’s not what is happening now.
Today, I’m clean and living a life beyond my wildest dreams. It’s not what I thought it would be and it is better than it was four years ago and years before that. I have wonderful people in my life (family and friends). No longer am I stuck trying to get the next hit. I am actually living. I know that tomorrow and probably a few days after there will not be any posts from four years ago for Timehop to show me (I used up until 10/23/10) and that’s OK. Let it serve as a reminder that nothing good will from me picking up a drug. October 24, 2010 was my first day, back from a relapse, without using a self-prescribed mood or mind altering substance. That’s what’s happening; that’s what’s up!
Grateful
Today, 2 years ago, was my first day without smoking a cigarette!
I had my first drag when I was 11 years old (I’m 40 years old now). I would take a ciggy from my grandmother and try it. Of course I felt sick, but I thought I found something that separated me from the others. The kids that bullied me in JHS. After that school was shut down, I went to a different school, one grade behind because of all my cutting class to escape those that taunted me. I wanted top fit in and started buying my own packs. ($2.20 back then).
I smoked for years, I may have quit quit here and there (1 year, 3 years, a few months) but I always went back to ciggies; my first tangible drug.
I still have cravings but I am choosing life instead. It feels great to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being short of breath by the time i get to the landing. I was cutting back on cigarettes about 4 years ago. Believe it, or not, when i was using crystal meth, I did not smoke cigarettes much. I would say that I purchased a pack every 3 days. That’s a savings of over $1400 a year by quitting. For a pack-a-day smoker, quitting smoking in NYC would save them over $4300 a year.
I will push through my cravings. I think I’ll have a light breakfast and head to the gym.
Follow up on my post Pieces of Me
I have lost a total of 15 lbs now. W00T!
I received the results of my biopsies… It appears that there is more High Grade Precancerous tissue that will need to be removed. Better to catch it now… than to have it mutate into cancer later. Procedures will done next month.
On another note, this passed Monday was my one year anniversary of being clean and sober. What a ride it has been, and I don’t plan on getting off. My life has changed, I am not thinking of, or planning, my next suicide attempt; living feels better. Life isn’t easy, but I am OK with it. Certain healthy changes I want to make in my life I have already planted the seed for and someday they will come into fruition.
Extremely grateful to everyone that has supported and that continue to support me on my journey. Merci!
The 24th of October will be my One Year Anniversary being Clean & Sober.
