Word of the Day - Confidence
I had lost all confidence in the world, in my self, in God. I was hopeless; didn’t believe that I could be helped didn’t believe that anyone would help me.
The help that I desperately needed had to come by surrendering and having faith that I would be taken care of. Being without purpose and hope I could not see an alternative way to live. My whole life centered are using. My drug of choice, crystal meth, gave me a false confidence in myself and the escape of my mistrust of the rest of society. Like all quick fixes, it stopped working after a while. Even though I remained true to it, the drug was no longer my reliable ally. It could not be trusted and I could not be trusted as long as I kept using it.
It takes a lot of courage to admit defeat and allow myself to grow from that experience. It took some time for me to trust myself and to trust that the universe would provide for me if I continue to take the next right action and let go of the results.
Today, I have found myself transitioning off of public assistance (Yes, I am employable again. I am in school part-time; I no longer live in an SRO (Single Room Occupancy). Photography, something that I have always wanted to do is now a fun hobby of mine. I mention these things because I thought I didn’t deserve a better life. I didn’t believe that I could change. Then I saw in recovery the lives of addicts changing and they continued on their path, living life on life’s terms. Their experiences gave me hope; if they can do, then so can I.
Staying in gratitude during the challenges that I face is difficult and I must practice this principle daily (multiple times per day). In recovery there is evidence all around me that if I stay clean I can get through anything and achieve so much - one day at a time.
