love addiction

Detachment + Love Addiction/Romantic Obsession

angelindiskies:

angelindiskies:

Part of my story is Love Addiction and Romantic Obsession.
Detachment is one of the main tools to use to stay in recovery.  

Whenever I have been in a relationship, I have found myself enmeshed with my partner’s life and issues.  It is almsot to say that I have given up the right to be an individual; ‘I’ am not important but the ‘relationship’ and my partner’s opinion is all that matters.  

When my partner is not present I find myself lost, not knowing what to do with myself.  I get caught up in what my partner may possibly be doing at any specific moment. Time that could be spent on my own self-care is spent worrying, fantasizing, coming up with things to do that would please him.  Most of this stems from a fear of abandonment, a need to feel acceptable and wanted.  A similar sense of fear causes me to look outside myself for solution; I turned to drugs.  Well, an unhealthy obsession with a person, whether it is your partner or not, is like taking drugs. 

I felt that being with someone, or in-love with someone, was the solution to all of my problems.  To escape my problems I made their issues mine.  This is just as destructive as me as taking drugs.  

I am not in a relationship now but I had recently developed romantic obsession.  When I am not in a relationship, all I can think about is being in one.  I created an image, an illusion, in my mind of what the perfect relationship would be; what the perfect mate would be like.  When I first saw him walk in the room, he became the poster-boy of that illusion. This was not the first time this had happened. 

Awareness of my behavior was key.  I recognized the pattern and took action immediately.  It started with avoidance (less interaction; no calls, no touching, trying not to flirt).  Even with these measures the obsession grew.  I wanted to be where he was; wanted to know what he was doing; if he asked, I would do whatever he wanted. 

It wasn’t until I started detaching myself emotionally that I was able to let go of the obsession. The hardest part was keeping myself from being pulled back in.  Whether he is a partner or not, some of these men enjoy and seek the attention.  I had to come to understanding that their issues, their seeking of validation, their ways of coping with anger and any other feelings are their shortcomings, not mine.  I can easily start to feel that it’s my fault, I need to please him, I have to fix this, I don’t want him to be angry, I don’t want him to hate, or leave me. 

Detachment is not turning your back, or being cold.  Detachment, for me, is separating myself emotionally when allowing myself to get involved would not be conducive to my recovery and my well-being, no matter what drug of choice; person, place, or thing.

________________

Please feel free to comment below.  I still have a lot to learn about myself and my addiction(s) and living life in recovery. 

An update to the post above….

That romantic obsession I had developed…. It turns out, the best thing for me to do was to simply hang out with the person more on my terms or terms we both agreed on. Also to actively listen to the person. Remember the obsession was really my being in-love with an illusion of him. The more I learned about him the more I realized that he could never be what I imagined. My unreachable standard (my fantasy) was something that no one could live up to.  The obsession was lifted. 

Actively listening gave me the opportunity to detach from the fantasy and to empathize and identify with the person that I now only see a friend. 

I accept, today, that I have a condition. It’s called being single.

I’m not going to try and make more money to cure it.
I’m not going to gym to cure it.
I’m not going to degrade myself, be held hostage, or chase a pipedream to cure it.

I will, however, continue to try my best at being the best me I can be. In doing that, then someday, maybe, my condition will go into remission. Until then …

My name is ___________________, and I am single, and that’s ok.

15 Different Kinds of Love →

psych-facts:

Infatuation- loving feelings towards a love object that are largely based upon fantasy and idealization (instead of experience). Often when partners get to know each other, infatuation diminishes.
Romantic Love- An abiding love for a partner with whom you feel passion, attraction, caring and respect.
Eros- a passionate love usually involving sexual feelings for a love interest.
Companionate Love- feelings of warmth towards a friend with whom you love to spend time
Unconditional Love- A type of affection and caring that is so strong that you feel it consistently, regardless of what that other person does

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The is that never was...

The is that never was the illusion of something beautiful my mind fooled myself into believing could ever be…

The is that never was constructed following the blueprint of my heart’s design; the architect of my desires…

The is that never was what my soul felt when we were together; what my spirit longed for, for so long; ….

The is that never was in a stolen kiss good night, to lie with him and trace his form with my fingers, the thump of his heart; the synchronizing of our breath…

The is that never was what it was the first day and what is not and could never be today…

The is that never was the feelings I have for him…

The is that never was reciprocated; never was requited; never was him feeling the same.

– Christian l'Aviance