Part of my story is Love Addiction and Romantic Obsession.
Detachment is one of the main tools to use to stay in recovery.Whenever I have been in a relationship, I have found myself enmeshed with my partner’s life and issues. It is almsot to say that I have given up the right to be an individual; ‘I’ am not important but the ‘relationship’ and my partner’s opinion is all that matters.
When my partner is not present I find myself lost, not knowing what to do with myself. I get caught up in what my partner may possibly be doing at any specific moment. Time that could be spent on my own self-care is spent worrying, fantasizing, coming up with things to do that would please him. Most of this stems from a fear of abandonment, a need to feel acceptable and wanted. A similar sense of fear causes me to look outside myself for solution; I turned to drugs. Well, an unhealthy obsession with a person, whether it is your partner or not, is like taking drugs.
I felt that being with someone, or in-love with someone, was the solution to all of my problems. To escape my problems I made their issues mine. This is just as destructive as me as taking drugs.
I am not in a relationship now but I had recently developed romantic obsession. When I am not in a relationship, all I can think about is being in one. I created an image, an illusion, in my mind of what the perfect relationship would be; what the perfect mate would be like. When I first saw him walk in the room, he became the poster-boy of that illusion. This was not the first time this had happened.
Awareness of my behavior was key. I recognized the pattern and took action immediately. It started with avoidance (less interaction; no calls, no touching, trying not to flirt). Even with these measures the obsession grew. I wanted to be where he was; wanted to know what he was doing; if he asked, I would do whatever he wanted.
It wasn’t until I started detaching myself emotionally that I was able to let go of the obsession. The hardest part was keeping myself from being pulled back in. Whether he is a partner or not, some of these men enjoy and seek the attention. I had to come to understanding that their issues, their seeking of validation, their ways of coping with anger and any other feelings are their shortcomings, not mine. I can easily start to feel that it’s my fault, I need to please him, I have to fix this, I don’t want him to be angry, I don’t want him to hate, or leave me.
Detachment is not turning your back, or being cold. Detachment, for me, is separating myself emotionally when allowing myself to get involved would not be conducive to my recovery and my well-being, no matter what drug of choice; person, place, or thing.
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Please feel free to comment below. I still have a lot to learn about myself and my addiction(s) and living life in recovery.
An update to the post above….
That romantic obsession I had developed…. It turns out, the best thing for me to do was to simply hang out with the person more on my terms or terms we both agreed on. Also to actively listen to the person. Remember the obsession was really my being in-love with an illusion of him. The more I learned about him the more I realized that he could never be what I imagined. My unreachable standard (my fantasy) was something that no one could live up to. The obsession was lifted.
Actively listening gave me the opportunity to detach from the fantasy and to empathize and identify with the person that I now only see a friend.
romance
Go Ahead... Open It!
Open Relationships…
I personally would not want to be in one. Maybe I’m greedy, maybe I’m old fashion (Funny, if you go back far enough, polygamy was a lot more common; being old fashion is relative), maybe I’m afraid of the notion.
What I would like to know is a casual sexual encounter outside the relationship just that “casual sex” and when is it cheating?
So, maybe I’m greedy or selfish and I want someone all to myself. I could also say, if my potential partner wanted an open relationship, that that is greedy too. I have known a few mixed HIV status couples who have open relationships that each partner could still have a certain type of sex that they could not have with their lover. I have also met monogamous couples, of mixed status, that say that have great safer-sex and don’t see any reason to go outside of the relationship. I ask, if your lover is not giving you what you want, then why are you together? Is one just in love with the fact they can say to someone that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend; a lover?
Maybe a little old fashioned; I do love the idea of courtship, falling in-love, growing old together. Yeah, I know, it’s almost 2013 and relationship dynamics have changed greatly. The ways that we find true love has changed since World Wide Web came into the fold. Hey, whatever works for you! Give me the corny, romantic, make me swoon prose and verses any day. I don’t see how, for myself, discussing having an open relationship with a partner would keep me weak in the knees but, that’s just me.
If I were in an open relationship, I believe that I would live in fear of the other man, or men. What if my lover leaves for one of them? What if I find myself falling for someone that I have hooked-up with a few times? What are terms of an open relationship anyway? Having an a lovers’ quarrel at home and storming out, then finding a someone to have sex with - is that cheating? Sounds like one is having make-up sex with wrong person. That’s just my opinion.
Hey, I am sure open relationships work for many couples and I am all for whatever makes you a happy couple; keyword: HAPPY. I’m just putting down some thoughts; comments are welcomed below.
“Never blame a person for being so stupidly in love with you because you just don’t know how it feels like to be ignored by you.”
It Doesn't Matter Who You Love: Perfect Relationship →
I want a guy that I can see, who makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world. I want his eyes to light up when he sees me, and I want fireworks when we kiss. I want to fall head over heels in love and not care what anyone else thinks. I want to be able to walk through a crowd of people holding hands with him, all of them staring and giving us disapproving looks, and neither of us caring, because we’re happy together. I want to know what true love feels like. I want to have a fight where we completely blow up at each other and start yelling and screaming about something stupid, just so I can go to bed with him and kiss him goodnight, showing that I love him, no matter what we may fight about. I want to know that every morning, he’ll be the one I wake up next to, and he’ll be the one I cook breakfast for, and he’ll be the one I stand with while we shave. I want the feeling that only true love can bring, and most of all, I want a man that will look at me everyday without saying any words, and yet I can see in his eyes that he loves me. Is that too much to ask for?