February 10th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Edify

I’ve heard some people say that drugs actually saved their lives.  What they meant was that they found a solution for them, at that time, instead jumping off a bridge.  It’s possible that this goes for me too; I had suicidal ideations most of my teenage years in to adulthood with 5 attempts of ending it all.  

Two of those attempts to take my own life was during a psychotic break while I was high.  So, drugs use in the beginning may have been a solution, however, towards the end I was back to wanting to jump off that bridge.  

One thing, I thank God for is music.  There are many songs out there that when I was in my darkest hour I would listen to and the lyrics did edify my diminished soul.  I am ever so grateful for lyricists, singers, composers and band that created songs that got me through.  

Today, listening to others share the experience in life as addicts and the hope as recovering addicts helps to lift my spirits as well.  I know that I cannot stay clean on my own.  I need to help and I get that help from others who have been through many of the same struggles I have and they still stay clean.   

Recovery helps me to remain open to having my spirit awakened  - one day at a time.

Those that pass themselves off as altruistic, yet they have ulterior motives.

FAIL

I certainly am no angel.  

Recently, I’ve put into situations where I must tolerate people just like the title of this post.  It is quite frustrating.  I had a long conversation with my mother about this and she suggested that I just not pay attention to them.  So, I am trying to just that.  However, the bullshit is piling high.  

Like I said, I am no angel.  At this time in my life however, I am working on being a better person.  In doing that, whatever I do to be of service to anyone I do because I am able to, want to, and it feels right to do so.  Seeking praise, status, or some kind of kick back just doesn’t fly with me anymore.  That’s was my attitude when I was in active addiction.  Me, me, me, always me.  

So, how does one deal with those with seemingly hidden agendas.  Tolerance, I suppose.  So what… let them talk behind your back; let them believe in their own bullshit; let them dig themselves deeper into a hole?  Or should one call them out on their bullshit; warn potential victims of their conniving, manipulative, and sometimes bullying ways; tell them you’re tired of it?  What if I’m wrong?  Then I suppose I would be acting just like them in a way but different; with good intentions however, hurting them in the process; there appears to be many roads to hell.

We see it all the time; in religious groups, politicians, the rich, and yes in the poor as well; addicts and non-addicts.  We watch as people to good deed just for the fame, money, and/or power.  We see groups spreading hate and every Sunday they sit in church believing that they are in the right and are good people.  

What to do?  When is enough, enough? Live and let live I guess.  Patience, Tolerance, and Acceptance are spiritual principles that can be very hard to practice.  I will need to set some healthy boundaries.  For now, I’ll listen to my mother.

_______________

a few hours later

I have to continue to pause and examine my own motives… Why am I lending a hand, offering assistance, giving advice, making myself available etc etc? If I am seeking praise, reward, ego stroking, or to have power over someone, then the good karma, that I would like to believe I am spreading, is negated.

This is what annoys me the most, when I witness to such behavior, or even fall victim to such. Again, I am no angel… I am working on myself so I am not so self-centered.

Ego - The False Center →

      The first thing to be understood is what ego is. A child is born. A child is born without any knowledge, any consciousness of his own self. And when a child is born the first thing he becomes aware of is not himself; the first thing he becomes aware of is the other. It is natural, because the eyes open outwards, the hands touch others, the ears listen to others, the tongue tastes food and the nose smells the outside. All these senses open outwards.

           That is what birth means. Birth means coming into this world, the world of the outside. So when a child is born, he is born into this world. He opens his eyes, sees others. ‘Other’ means the thou. He becomes aware of the mother first. Then, by and by, he becomes aware of his own body. That too is the other, that too belongs to the world. He is hungry and he feels the body; his need is satisfied, he forgets the body.

      This is how a child grows. First he becomes aware of you, thou, other, and then by and by, in contrast to you, thou, he becomes aware of himself.

      This awareness is a reflected awareness. He is not aware of who he is. He is simply aware of the mother and what she thinks about him. If she smiles, if she appreciates the child, if she says, “You are beautiful,” if she hugs and kisses him, the child feels good about himself. Now an ego is born.

      Through appreciation, love, care, he feels he is good, he feels he is valuable, he feels he has some significance.

      A center is born.

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Haeloxspace: The Heart Sutra →

haelox:

Body is nothing more than emptiness, 
emptiness is nothing more than body. 
The body is exactly empty, 
and emptiness is exactly body.

The other four aspects of human existence —
feeling, thought, will, and consciousness —
are likewise nothing more than emptiness, 
and emptiness nothing more than they.

All things are empty: 
Nothing is born, nothing dies, 
nothing is pure, nothing is stained, 
nothing increases and nothing decreases.

So, in emptiness, there is no body, 
no feeling, no thought, 
no will, no consciousness. 
There are no eyes, no ears, 
no nose, no tongue, 
no body, no mind. 
There is no seeing, no hearing, 
no smelling, no tasting, 
no touching, no imagining. 
There is nothing seen, nor heard, 
nor smelled, nor tasted, 
nor touched, nor imagined.

There is no ignorance, 
and no end to ignorance. 
There is no old age and death, 
and no end to old age and death. 
There is no suffering, no cause of suffering, 
no end to suffering, no path to follow. 
There is no attainment of wisdom, 
and no wisdom to attain.

The Bodhisattvas rely on the Perfection of Wisdom, 
and so with no delusions, 
they feel no fear, 
and have Nirvana here and now.

All the Buddhas, 
past, present, and future, 
rely on the Perfection of Wisdom, 
and live in full enlightenment.

The Perfection of Wisdom is the greatest mantra. 
It is the clearest mantra, 
the highest mantra, 
the mantra that removes all suffering.

This is truth that cannot be doubted. 
Say it so:

Gaté, 
gaté, 
paragaté, 
parasamgaté. 
Bodhi! 
Svaha!

Which means…

Gone, 
gone, 
gone over, 
gone fully over. 
Awakened! 
So be it!

For Buddha Purnima. From http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/heartsutra.html, a nice, no-nonsense translation.