The important word here is Feel…
This is how I felt when I woke up this morning. I did not feel this last night, and I currently don’t feel this way. Feelings are not facts, but it is a fact that I do feel; I’m human. I am processing events that have occurred recently which have triggered feelings of undeserving, not being good enough, embarrassment, feeling stupid, and today used.
However, I am deserving, good enough, have nothing to be embarrassment about regarding these last few days, I am not stupid, and whether or not I was being used, there is no evidence to support that either side. These are just feelings and I am processing them, in my own way, without having to use a drug to numb out or use a person to validate me.
Going through what I am/was feeling.. The undeserving and not good enough kicked up lots of childhood drama. The truth is I am not a child and how I was treated then does not mirror what is happening now. Being embarrassed and feeling stupid because I am asking myself, “Did this just happen again?” In all honesty, the situation and circumstances are not the same as before even though my feelings are similar. As for being used, an unhealthy coping mechanism for what I am feeling is to blame something or someone else.
So I asked..
“You ever feel like you were just someone’s boot disk until they figure out what’s wrong w/their system then back in the drawer you go?”