The Summer of No Shame 2013 | Facebook →

My name is Christian Ledan and I live in NYC, NY.

I learned of my #HIV status through the mail, on a Saturday, alone in my apartment, in Brooklyn, in April 2002. A few months prior I had flu like symptoms that I couldn’t shake and had gone to doctor in January, again in March, both times an HIV test was done with the results coming back negative. Due to being ill, I started thinking about what would happen if I died; who would pay for medical expenses and funeral costs? You know… all those morbid thoughts that one has when they get sick. Well, I decided to get a small life insurance plan that would help cover such costs since I was single and without children. 

In March of 2002 I met with a financial advisor signed up for retirement plan/life insurance policy. Wrote a check for the deposit and scheduled the appointment for the phlebotomist to come draw blood (a requirement for the life insurance plan). April Fools’ Day of all days was the day. Twenty days later, I received correspondence from the company. In the envelope was a check equal to the amount of my deposit, a letter stating that I was denied the plan, and a copy of the blood work which appeared to indicate that I had HIV antibodies. I had to wait until that Monday to fax the results to doctor. It was confirmed two weeks later. The same week my doctor confirmed the diagnosis I was laid-off from my job. 

I am what is called a nonprogressor; at the time of my diagnosis it common to suggest to wait before starting any HIV treatment. So that is what I did; waited. My t-Cells were always high and my Viral Load low. Physically, my body was doing a great job controlling the virus. Emotionally, I was torn up inside. I hid my pain very well from friends and family. I moved to Tampa to bring on a change and things started looking up. New home and a new job wasn’t enough. Suddenly I found myself using crystal meth. This became my solution to dealing with the pain. I had done plenty of club drugs for many years back when I dancing every weekend away but this time, with crystal, it was not on the dance floor. It was in my home. 

My blood work still looked good even after moving back to NYC and progressing to a daily IV user of meth. By now my new doctor was recommending that I start HIV meds, due to the advancements in medicine and less side effects, and I continued to decline. I excuse was that I am allergic to so many things (which is true) and I feared having a deadly reaction to the medication. The truth, I read up on some of the medications and what I truly feared was overdosing because I was active user of crystal meth and other substances. Truly insane thinking!

Today, I am in recovery. I’ve been clean since 10-24-2010! In the Spring of 2011 I had a talk with my current doctor and, although my numbers are still great, with his help I made the decision to start HIV treatment. He told me it was time to give my body a break and to let the medication do the work for me. I’ve been on Truvada and Isentress since August 2011, I am undetectable and my t-Cells are high. Recovery has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and there is no shame in being HIV+.

Broke but not Dead

So, I checked my bank account online today.  OVERDRAWN!!!  By quite a bit, I might add.  Things are gonna be rough this summer because of it.

I am on a fixed income.  The public assistance I receive I can barley survive on.  Now that I have this overdrawn account I need to reconcile, I am always gonna be behind on something - never catching up.  I’m lost right now; I don’t know what to do. 

I want to start looking for work - Sure, that’s a great plan but what do I do when my mobile phone service is suspended?  OK, I just projected but I can’t help but think about that.  I also use my phone to get online via tether.  What to do, what to do? 

I still need an AC, I need to pay my electric bill, I need money for transportation, toiletries, etc etc. 

I may be broke, but I am not dead!  There is a solution somewhere. 

There was a time in my life that I would say to myself, “Fuck it, I am broke anyway, why not just spend what little I have left on crystal”.  That is not an option and it certainly is not a solution.

Loneliness vs. Being alone

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people. (p. 156, Just for Today)

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately; hopeless and lost.  I lie awake at night, my mind racing on random nonsense but mostly how lonely I feel.  Sometimes I will sit i front of my computer blogging, tweeting, checking Facebook just to try and fill the void yet, there is still something missing - purpose. 

In a city of over eight million, I am not alone.  But even when I amongst the masses I still feel lonely; like I don’t belong, like I have no reason for even being here.  What is the solution?

I long to be in a relationship but, as the above states, this does not always alleviate the loneliness.  Plus, I have a little over seven months clean & sober - It is suggested that one should not get into any emotional entanglements within the first year in recovery.  I am not pursuing anyone and, to my knowledge, there are no callers at my door.  Nevertheless, the loneliness, this matter of the heart, still, I suffer from. 

This feeling, in the past, I would have used over.  What I mean by use is that I would have self-medicated with my drug of choice; crystal meth.  Today, I have to sit with these feelings.  And that is OK.  As well it should be, because this is what it means to be human. 

I really need to put more of an effort into staying connected with people that I have met in sobriety/recovery.  With them, I am not alone.  We share a common bond.  The sense of community helps to combat the loneliness. The social media way is not enough.  It is lacking in appreciation of the human condition.  Where as, one can luxuriate in the senses when he/she is with a friend, in person.  

Please, Higher Power, give me the strength to be there for my friends, family, and fellows for the loneliness subsides when I am present for them.