sober

Can I Get a Witness?!!

Prince Charming doesn’t exist and I am no longer chasing that illusion of the perfect mate that will make everything rainbows & unicorns forever.  However, I find myself faced with another need for a prince, Prince Confirming.  

I have received many gifts in recovery one of which is a new found happiness and the acceptance of self.  The start of a brand new way to live without the use of drugs.  I set out on returning to school, finding a new home, getting a job, and reconnecting with true-friends and family.  Truly, I am generally happy everyday.  My problems (challenges) are luxury problems.   Suddenly, the momentum slowed on certain fronts.  

Why, knowing that I am in a great place, would I slow the efforts on achieving goals that will keep in that great place?  Prince Confirming, that’s why!  There is this new need/want to have someone in my life to share this happiness with.  This happiness doesn’t not stem from having materialistic things or having some high social standing (I don’t have a large wallet and what others think of me is really none of my business).  It comes from having some peace; knowing that whatever happens I will be taken care of; knowing that I am loved and I have greater love for myself today.  It’s not a glitter parade everyday but I can get through anything especially if I don’t pickup a drug. 

Am I really at peace? Why the stand still?

Little by slowly, great things are happening in my life (staying clean is a daily miracle!!) and I want a witness.  Hmmm, first I said, “…someone in my life to share this happiness with,” and now it’s something else.  I am not on a desperate search for Prince Confirming, but recently I find myself dreaming of the guy that will be there to bear witness to my achievements, big or small.  So, I have seemingly put stuff on the back burner waiting for Prince Confirming to come around so he can begin to observe it all coming together. This is totally self-centered thinking (look at me, praise me, YOU [not me] will show the world that I am not a fraud).  This is me wanting instant validation and gratification from something outside myself (addict behavior).  I wonder what color the horse Prince Confirming rides in on will be… anyway! What if he never shows up?!?

Maybe because of recent events on the dating scene I suddenly have flipped into this mindset however, being aware of this now I can dig deeper what was my part in all of it.  I can step away from blaming the situation or the person but rather begin to look got the exact nature of this manifestation of Prince Confirming.  

They say, “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.”  Recovery has taught me, by sharing how I have done it and what I continue to do to be happy, that my experience will benefits others.  

Right now, I do know if I continue waiting for a witness, then I will never get to accomplishing anything but waiting.  The only person that I need to witness, allow, accept, and validate my successes and happiness is the man in the mirror.  

Keep Informed

The Chart is from the US Dept of Agriculture

I guess for a person in recovery it would be a personal decision.  One does have to eat, and if it bothers you, then you probably should not choose the item on the menu that has a wine sauce or liqueur in it.  If you are choosing the meal because it has alcohol in it, then you probably should choose something else.  

Sometimes, a person may be a guest at someone’s home and won’t know that a dish was cooked with alcohol and probably won’t be in a position to ask beforehand.  Again, I believe it’s up to the individual whether they will have meals that are cooked with alcohol.  Talk to someone in your support network.

Don’t let anyone judge you for choosing Yea of Nay.

February 29th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Dream:

A life beyond my wildest dreams.  That’s what is possible in recovery.  

For me, wildest dreams equals nightmares.  What had become life, what I made my life into, and how I saw my life as being was all a nightmare.  Thinking that I had arrived, that I somehow was fulfilling my dreams on a dance floor, doing another bump, and not sleeping until Sunday evening was truly insane thinking.  I was accomplishing nothing more than escaping my reality for brief periods of time.  

The lights always came on… and life outside would always be there.  

So discontent with my present I blamed everything on others; My parents, the educational system, my family, God, being black in America, a boss or an organization et al were all to blame for my present hardship.  Hmmmm, maybe it’s the drugs, I said never.  

I would beat myself up about not pursuing a dream of mine to be a singer (at one time in my life, I did have a great singing voice).  Naturally, I blamed my parents and the educational system for my lack of motivation to chase this dream.  That didn’t work out very well.  Putting down the ‘party’ didn’t really cross my mind.  

Not having a degree; well, that’s because I’m black in America.  Wrong!  Maybe it was being at the club/bar on a school night was more important.  Yup, that could have been it. 

If I were not fired from that job, then I would be running that company by now.  Oh really, with what degree. and how many Mondays did I miss work? I dreamed big, I made Associate.  Oh wait, that what they call all their employees.  

So, what happens now?

I stopped using drugs and started working on the issues that I became am Escape-aholic to cope with.  I am still working on those issues.  I try to not blame others for my challenges in life.  I know now and accept my limitations and seek out help when needed.  I concentrate on my strengths and try not sabotage things that are going well and in their own time (that’s the toughest one). In doing that, new dreams have awakened.  Dreams of happiness, of having and keeping wonderful people in my life and me being a part of their lives, of being a better person today than I was yesterday, achieving my goals not for status but because it can be done and it feels right. 

As long as I do not pickup that first drugs, I will far removed from the nightmare and the possibilities are endless.  In recovery I get to live in the present, dream big, and do something about it - one day at a time.

February 28th - In Thought

Word of the day - Ornery:

Boy, did I ever think that I was nicest person you would ever meet especially when I was high.  Truth be told, yes I tried to be kind however I was just people pleasing to get my way, or I was too fucked up to argue anything.   Dealing with this ornery addict when he was not high was probably like pulling teeth.

I could hardly stand being around myself, so I am sure others were not content with having me around.  My self-righteous, judgmental, ill-tempered way about me was not cute.  

In early recovery suddenly I had emotions that I had not felt in a very long time and had to find a way to deal with them without using drugs.  I just broke up with my drug of choice and any break up is hard to go through.  Lashing out at those who were trying to help me became an all too frequent thing.  

Happiness is another feeling that was like brand new to me.  Today, because of recovery, I am generally happy and that happiness I wish to share with others.   Not in a boasting ‘oh look at me’ way but rather in a I grateful to have wonderful people in my life that have supported me in my trying to stay clean and part of my happiness is due to these great folks being in my life.  So, I wish be in their lives more to show my appreciation and share the happiness that they bring me with them.  

Putting everything I’ve just stated into practice is the challenge.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ still tells me that no one wants to be around me and that no one cares.  I just need to push through that!

Recovery has given me the opportunity to grow and change into a person that I want to be around - one day at a time

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time 

February 26th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Give:

I give up! I don’t give a shit! Give me another chance!

I said the above many times in my life.  Lots of times I would give up before attempting start something.  Afterwards, I would lie to myself about giving a shit about it, or I would just tell myself that no one else cares anyway.  Always hoping for another chance if that something was going to be taken away.  

In the end, I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on living a fulfilling life.  All that mattered was getting the next hit.  They are some ‘yets’ in my story, but I was getting closer and closer doing things for that next hit that I thought would do.  Giving away property, my body… giving my dignity and integrity to the devil as long as I could get high.  So glad that I do not have to live that way anymore.

Recovery has given me an amazing gift; Hope.  It took some time to build up in me, but I feel strongly that all will be well as long as do not pick up that first one.  Sure, I have my bad days but I can get through them knowing that the next day things might be better.  

The hope that I have I try to share it with others.  Maybe what I share with them will help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is happiness in giving someone something that was freely given to me.  In my active addiction, life was more about taking than giving.  I was never satisfied; the more I took the more I wanted.  

One of the best things, I think, to give, is time.  I do get a lot out spending time with others when I give myself the time to do so.  Staying clean, I get to practice giving without expecting anything in return - one day at a time