crystal meth

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“It’s a struggle out here every day in the city. All the homeboys are using crystal. Blood, Crip, it doesn’t matter. They are all going crazy on crystal. It’s the new big thing in LA. They call it G-Unit or Go Fast. Everybody is smoking it or snorting it. You go to the Black communities and you’ll be surprised. It’s super abundant. It’s badass as a muthafucka and it’s fucking South Central LA up real bad right now.”

Facing the Stigma of Gay Men, HIV and Meth: Friends, Families, App Users and Organizers →

As the author of Lust, Men and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery, David Fawcett, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., has been speaking in cities across the United States, meeting many people affected by their own or other’s meth use. He is also a person with HIV, therapist and clinical hypnotherapist in private practice in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, who serves as the mental health and HIV expert for TheBody.com’s “Ask the Experts” forum.

In Part 2 of our interview with Fawcett, we discussed how family members, hookup app users and other community members can counter the stigma that can exacerbate meth use, as well as possible next steps to harness the growing awareness of both meth use and stigma.(You can find part 1 of the interview here.)

Many friends, loved ones, care providers and community members are involved with people seeking to make changes in their meth use. What are common pitfalls that people may not even know they’re doing, in terms of using stigmatizing language or a stigmatizing framework? How can family members and allies be supportive and also take care of themselves – do what they need to do without compounding the stigma?

It’s a great question. It’s complicated.

One of the ways that people cope with addiction is to use a morbid humor about it and their behavior and some of the things they’ve done – almost joking about it – and having kind of a group identity based on those behaviors. One of the appeals of meth particularly is the taboo quality of it. It’s actually taking that stigmatized aspect and embracing it in an unhealthy way.

That can sustain a level of stigma, just because they’ve incorporated that into their identity somehow in ways that they’re not even conscious of; people can do it automatically. So pointing that out to them, pointing out the language, pointing out how to be conscious of words and correcting them and [encouraging them to be] in environments that are corrective is really important.

Often people continue to employ the defense of stigmatizing others as they’re coming through their healing process. So we’ll see a lot of stigma within the addiction community. As I mentioned [in Part 1 of the interview], alcohol users stigmatize meth. But even within the meth community, people who’ve smoked it look down on people that snorted, and people who’ve snorted look down on people who’ve injected: [There are] hierarchies of stigma that can persist if they’re not challenged or at least corrected. So just raising awareness of this is important.

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What's Happening, Now?

It’s been quite some time since I have written a post relating to addiction and recovery.  Today, I came to realize something while I was checking an app that I recently started using; Timehop. I use the app to post daily throwbacks however, four years ago today and the days before there aren’t posts.  Well, it finally hit me; I had relapsed.  

I was in relapse mode fresh out rehab earlier in the month and didn’t really discuss with anyone.  It took a few weeks before I would pick up the drug (crystal meth) and ended up using for five days straight.  It was miserable and I am grateful that it did not last longer than five days and that it did not kill me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my life is not measured by how many posts I have on social media sites and the likes and comments I receive on those posts however; Timehop really brought it back for me.  It reminded med  that Nothing else goes in my life if I am using drugs.  Forget posting on social media for a moment; If I start using drugs, then I won’t go to work, won’t go to class, won’t stay in touch with my family or friends, won’t have savings, won’t take care of my cat, won’t clean my apartment, won’t pay my bills, I take care of myself… I can go on and on.  There honestly will be nothing going on in my life except for finding ways and means to get more drugs.  That’s not living; that’s not a life worth sharing with anyone.. Not on Facebook, not on Twitter, not on Google+ and certainly not in person. That’s not what is happening now.

Today, I’m clean and living a life beyond my wildest dreams.  It’s not what I thought it would be and it is better than it was four years ago and years before that. I have wonderful people in my life (family and friends).  No longer am I stuck trying to get the next hit.  I am actually living.  I know that tomorrow and probably a few days after there will not be any posts from four years ago for Timehop to show me (I used up until 10/23/10) and that’s OK.  Let it serve as a reminder that nothing good will from me picking up a drug.  October 24, 2010 was my first day, back from a relapse, without using a self-prescribed mood or mind altering substance.  That’s what’s happening; that’s what’s up! 

Grateful

The Summer of No Shame 2013 | Facebook →

Christian Ledan

My name is Christian Ledan and I live in NYC, NY.

I learned of my #HIV status through the mail, on a Saturday, alone in my apartment, in Brooklyn, in April 2002. A few months prior I had flu like symptoms that I couldn’t shake and had gone to doctor in January, again in March, both times an HIV test was done with the results coming back negative. Due to being ill, I started thinking about what would happen if I died; who would pay for medical expenses and funeral costs? You know… all those morbid thoughts that one has when they get sick. Well, I decided to get a small life insurance plan that would help cover such costs since I was single and without children. 

In March of 2002 I met with a financial advisor signed up for retirement plan/life insurance policy. Wrote a check for the deposit and scheduled the appointment for the phlebotomist to come draw blood (a requirement for the life insurance plan). April Fools’ Day of all days was the day. Twenty days later, I received correspondence from the company. In the envelope was a check equal to the amount of my deposit, a letter stating that I was denied the plan, and a copy of the blood work which appeared to indicate that I had HIV antibodies. I had to wait until that Monday to fax the results to doctor. It was confirmed two weeks later. The same week my doctor confirmed the diagnosis I was laid-off from my job. 

I am what is called a nonprogressor; at the time of my diagnosis it common to suggest to wait before starting any HIV treatment. So that is what I did; waited. My t-Cells were always high and my Viral Load low. Physically, my body was doing a great job controlling the virus. Emotionally, I was torn up inside. I hid my pain very well from friends and family. I moved to Tampa to bring on a change and things started looking up. New home and a new job wasn’t enough. Suddenly I found myself using crystal meth. This became my solution to dealing with the pain. I had done plenty of club drugs for many years back when I dancing every weekend away but this time, with crystal, it was not on the dance floor. It was in my home. 

My blood work still looked good even after moving back to NYC and progressing to a daily IV user of meth. By now my new doctor was recommending that I start HIV meds, due to the advancements in medicine and less side effects, and I continued to decline. I excuse was that I am allergic to so many things (which is true) and I feared having a deadly reaction to the medication. The truth, I read up on some of the medications and what I truly feared was overdosing because I was active user of crystal meth and other substances. Truly insane thinking!

Today, I am in recovery. I’ve been clean since 10-24-2010! In the Spring of 2011 I had a talk with my current doctor and, although my numbers are still great, with his help I made the decision to start HIV treatment. He told me it was time to give my body a break and to let the medication do the work for me. I’ve been on Truvada and Isentress since August 2011, I am undetectable and my t-Cells are high. Recovery has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin and there is no shame in being HIV+.

Can I Get a Witness?!!

Prince Charming doesn’t exist and I am no longer chasing that illusion of the perfect mate that will make everything rainbows & unicorns forever.  However, I find myself faced with another need for a prince, Prince Confirming.  

I have received many gifts in recovery one of which is a new found happiness and the acceptance of self.  The start of a brand new way to live without the use of drugs.  I set out on returning to school, finding a new home, getting a job, and reconnecting with true-friends and family.  Truly, I am generally happy everyday.  My problems (challenges) are luxury problems.   Suddenly, the momentum slowed on certain fronts.  

Why, knowing that I am in a great place, would I slow the efforts on achieving goals that will keep in that great place?  Prince Confirming, that’s why!  There is this new need/want to have someone in my life to share this happiness with.  This happiness doesn’t not stem from having materialistic things or having some high social standing (I don’t have a large wallet and what others think of me is really none of my business).  It comes from having some peace; knowing that whatever happens I will be taken care of; knowing that I am loved and I have greater love for myself today.  It’s not a glitter parade everyday but I can get through anything especially if I don’t pickup a drug. 

Am I really at peace? Why the stand still?

Little by slowly, great things are happening in my life (staying clean is a daily miracle!!) and I want a witness.  Hmmm, first I said, “…someone in my life to share this happiness with,” and now it’s something else.  I am not on a desperate search for Prince Confirming, but recently I find myself dreaming of the guy that will be there to bear witness to my achievements, big or small.  So, I have seemingly put stuff on the back burner waiting for Prince Confirming to come around so he can begin to observe it all coming together. This is totally self-centered thinking (look at me, praise me, YOU [not me] will show the world that I am not a fraud).  This is me wanting instant validation and gratification from something outside myself (addict behavior).  I wonder what color the horse Prince Confirming rides in on will be… anyway! What if he never shows up?!?

Maybe because of recent events on the dating scene I suddenly have flipped into this mindset however, being aware of this now I can dig deeper what was my part in all of it.  I can step away from blaming the situation or the person but rather begin to look got the exact nature of this manifestation of Prince Confirming.  

They say, “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.”  Recovery has taught me, by sharing how I have done it and what I continue to do to be happy, that my experience will benefits others.  

Right now, I do know if I continue waiting for a witness, then I will never get to accomplishing anything but waiting.  The only person that I need to witness, allow, accept, and validate my successes and happiness is the man in the mirror.