Detachment + Love Addiction/Romantic Obsession

angelindiskies:

angelindiskies:

Part of my story is Love Addiction and Romantic Obsession.
Detachment is one of the main tools to use to stay in recovery.  

Whenever I have been in a relationship, I have found myself enmeshed with my partner’s life and issues.  It is almsot to say that I have given up the right to be an individual; ‘I’ am not important but the ‘relationship’ and my partner’s opinion is all that matters.  

When my partner is not present I find myself lost, not knowing what to do with myself.  I get caught up in what my partner may possibly be doing at any specific moment. Time that could be spent on my own self-care is spent worrying, fantasizing, coming up with things to do that would please him.  Most of this stems from a fear of abandonment, a need to feel acceptable and wanted.  A similar sense of fear causes me to look outside myself for solution; I turned to drugs.  Well, an unhealthy obsession with a person, whether it is your partner or not, is like taking drugs. 

I felt that being with someone, or in-love with someone, was the solution to all of my problems.  To escape my problems I made their issues mine.  This is just as destructive as me as taking drugs.  

I am not in a relationship now but I had recently developed romantic obsession.  When I am not in a relationship, all I can think about is being in one.  I created an image, an illusion, in my mind of what the perfect relationship would be; what the perfect mate would be like.  When I first saw him walk in the room, he became the poster-boy of that illusion. This was not the first time this had happened. 

Awareness of my behavior was key.  I recognized the pattern and took action immediately.  It started with avoidance (less interaction; no calls, no touching, trying not to flirt).  Even with these measures the obsession grew.  I wanted to be where he was; wanted to know what he was doing; if he asked, I would do whatever he wanted. 

It wasn’t until I started detaching myself emotionally that I was able to let go of the obsession. The hardest part was keeping myself from being pulled back in.  Whether he is a partner or not, some of these men enjoy and seek the attention.  I had to come to understanding that their issues, their seeking of validation, their ways of coping with anger and any other feelings are their shortcomings, not mine.  I can easily start to feel that it’s my fault, I need to please him, I have to fix this, I don’t want him to be angry, I don’t want him to hate, or leave me. 

Detachment is not turning your back, or being cold.  Detachment, for me, is separating myself emotionally when allowing myself to get involved would not be conducive to my recovery and my well-being, no matter what drug of choice; person, place, or thing.

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Please feel free to comment below.  I still have a lot to learn about myself and my addiction(s) and living life in recovery. 

An update to the post above….

That romantic obsession I had developed…. It turns out, the best thing for me to do was to simply hang out with the person more on my terms or terms we both agreed on. Also to actively listen to the person. Remember the obsession was really my being in-love with an illusion of him. The more I learned about him the more I realized that he could never be what I imagined. My unreachable standard (my fantasy) was something that no one could live up to.  The obsession was lifted. 

Actively listening gave me the opportunity to detach from the fantasy and to empathize and identify with the person that I now only see a friend. 

a day with HIV

#adaywithhiv A day before my birthday… I am checking to see how many Likes my Red Ribbon photograph has gotten on IG. It’s 2:15 pm, and I take my #HIV medication. I do this daily…to keep myself #Undetectable… If only I checked my social media accounts once per day. I’m still working on that… With #photography, it’s all about exposure [getting your work seen]. Speaking of #exposureIf you are HIV negative and engaged in activities [no judgements] that put you at risk of being exposed to the virus, then I suggest you talk to your doctor about getting you on #PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) can greatly reduce your chances of contracting HIV through sex or injection drug use. Make sure to take it as prescribed. If you feel that you have been exposed to HIV within the last 72 hours… again, the last 72 hours… then get yourself to an emergency department and ask for #PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). You will take medicine(s) for 28 days to prevent HIV disease after being exposed. If you are HIV positive, take your meds, keep your head up, chase your dreams. Basically, just keep on living. I’ll be 51 years old tomorrow, and I received my diagnosis in 2002. My life changed, but it didn’t end. Take it one day at a time.

angelindiskies:

“Popularity or Integrity… You can have both, but one may cost you the other… Seeking one may result in nothing of you remaining… Seeking the other may result in all that remains is you…”

— Christian Ledan (via angelindiskies)