It burned and my eye teared when I did it…
If I knew how many tears I would shed after that first bump, I would have never done it in the first place.
Looking for an escape from life, I though I had found it and that I had arrived when I got to the corner of 27th Street and 12th Avenue (The Tunnel). I took a bus from Rockland County, NY (the last bus) to NYC not really knowing where I was going. Didn’t know, 20 years ago, that Chelsea was not a safe place to walk through. I was determined to meet the guy I was chatting with on the chatline.
Nothing told me that anything I was doing was wrong. I walked over to 12th Avenue and walked down to 27th Street. From across the street I could see all these amazing characters waiting to be let in. I looked at my own attire and felt so out of place. Still across the street, I got to curb and was ready to turn back around, even thought I didn’t know how I was going to get back home, when the doorperson pointed at me (the lonely boy across the street) and beckoned me to come. Everyone on line, and waiting for the guest list turned around and watched as I entered the club. When I say I felt like I arrived, that was the start of it.
No gut feeling told me to do it, nor did one tell me to not do it. All I know is that I thought I found the answers to everything that night. I did many drugs that night not paying for any of it. I met the guy, nothing happened except him introducing me to crystal meth and me saying hello to her. His friends, knowing that I was club virgin provided all the other drugs.
I experienced 2 blackouts that night and still I didn’t stop. From then on it became second nature… the party, the drugs, where to go and where to find it. Nothing else mattered. Any gut feelings I had about anything did not stop me from getting the next hit.
Situations did indeed baffle me. Towards the end, I moved at the speed of Fucked Up. Saying a complete sentence was difficult let alone trying to understand what someone was telling me. At any moment in my active addiction, I could have been stopped by authorities or doors could have been busted open by the FEDs while I sat in a drug dealer’s home waiting to get loaded. Something like that probably would not have phased me except for the fact I would wonder how I was going to get another hit.
Now, in recovery, I am given the opportunity relearn interacting with others. I learn from others how deal with, cope with, handle those baffling situation in healthy ways. I know trust my gut feeling maybe because I have developed a conscience now while before my main concern was getting high and fuck whatever else could happen.
Recovery has helped me to gain insight on many level regarding day to day living. My stinkin’ thinkin’ does still get in the way but with practice I can learn to stop those negative thought processes refocus on living life on life’s terms - one day at a time