February 29th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Dream:

A life beyond my wildest dreams.  That’s what is possible in recovery.  

For me, wildest dreams equals nightmares.  What had become life, what I made my life into, and how I saw my life as being was all a nightmare.  Thinking that I had arrived, that I somehow was fulfilling my dreams on a dance floor, doing another bump, and not sleeping until Sunday evening was truly insane thinking.  I was accomplishing nothing more than escaping my reality for brief periods of time.  

The lights always came on… and life outside would always be there.  

So discontent with my present I blamed everything on others; My parents, the educational system, my family, God, being black in America, a boss or an organization et al were all to blame for my present hardship.  Hmmmm, maybe it’s the drugs, I said never.  

I would beat myself up about not pursuing a dream of mine to be a singer (at one time in my life, I did have a great singing voice).  Naturally, I blamed my parents and the educational system for my lack of motivation to chase this dream.  That didn’t work out very well.  Putting down the ‘party’ didn’t really cross my mind.  

Not having a degree; well, that’s because I’m black in America.  Wrong!  Maybe it was being at the club/bar on a school night was more important.  Yup, that could have been it. 

If I were not fired from that job, then I would be running that company by now.  Oh really, with what degree. and how many Mondays did I miss work? I dreamed big, I made Associate.  Oh wait, that what they call all their employees.  

So, what happens now?

I stopped using drugs and started working on the issues that I became am Escape-aholic to cope with.  I am still working on those issues.  I try to not blame others for my challenges in life.  I know now and accept my limitations and seek out help when needed.  I concentrate on my strengths and try not sabotage things that are going well and in their own time (that’s the toughest one). In doing that, new dreams have awakened.  Dreams of happiness, of having and keeping wonderful people in my life and me being a part of their lives, of being a better person today than I was yesterday, achieving my goals not for status but because it can be done and it feels right. 

As long as I do not pickup that first drugs, I will far removed from the nightmare and the possibilities are endless.  In recovery I get to live in the present, dream big, and do something about it - one day at a time.

March 1st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Intuition:

It burned and my eye teared when I did it…

If I knew how many tears I would shed after that first bump, I would have never done it in the first place.  

Looking for an escape from life, I though I had found it and that I had arrived when I got to the corner of 27th Street and 12th Avenue (The Tunnel).  I took a bus from Rockland County, NY (the last bus) to NYC not really knowing where I was going.  Didn’t know, 20 years ago, that Chelsea was not a safe place to walk through.  I was determined to meet the guy I was chatting with on the chatline.  

Nothing told me that anything I was doing was wrong.  I walked over to 12th Avenue and walked down to 27th Street.  From across the street I could see all these amazing characters waiting to be let in.  I looked at my own attire and felt so out of place.  Still across the street, I got to curb and was ready to turn back around, even thought I didn’t know how I was going to get back home, when the doorperson pointed at me (the lonely boy across the street) and beckoned me to come.  Everyone on line, and waiting for the guest list turned around and watched as I entered the club.  When I say I felt like I arrived, that was the start of it.

No gut feeling told me to do it, nor did one tell me to not do it.  All I know is that I thought I found the answers to everything that night.  I did many drugs that night not paying for any of it.  I met the guy, nothing happened except him introducing me to crystal meth and me saying hello to her.  His friends, knowing that I was club virgin provided all the other drugs.  

I experienced 2 blackouts that night and still I didn’t stop.  From then on it became second nature… the party, the drugs, where to go and where to find it.  Nothing else mattered.  Any gut feelings I had about anything did not stop me from getting the next hit.  

Situations did indeed baffle me.  Towards the end, I moved at the speed of Fucked Up.  Saying a complete sentence was difficult let alone trying to understand what someone was telling me.  At any moment in my active addiction, I could have been stopped by authorities or doors could have been busted open by the FEDs while I sat in a drug dealer’s home waiting to get loaded.  Something like that probably would not have phased me except for the fact I would wonder how I was going to get another hit.  

Now, in recovery, I am given the opportunity relearn interacting with others.  I learn from others how deal with, cope with, handle those baffling situation in healthy ways.  I know trust my gut feeling maybe because I have developed a conscience now while before my main concern was getting high and fuck whatever else could happen.  

Recovery has helped me to gain insight on many level regarding day to day living.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ does still get in the way but with practice I can learn to stop those negative thought processes refocus on living life on life’s terms - one day at a time  

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time 

February 26th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Give:

I give up! I don’t give a shit! Give me another chance!

I said the above many times in my life.  Lots of times I would give up before attempting start something.  Afterwards, I would lie to myself about giving a shit about it, or I would just tell myself that no one else cares anyway.  Always hoping for another chance if that something was going to be taken away.  

In the end, I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on living a fulfilling life.  All that mattered was getting the next hit.  They are some ‘yets’ in my story, but I was getting closer and closer doing things for that next hit that I thought would do.  Giving away property, my body… giving my dignity and integrity to the devil as long as I could get high.  So glad that I do not have to live that way anymore.

Recovery has given me an amazing gift; Hope.  It took some time to build up in me, but I feel strongly that all will be well as long as do not pick up that first one.  Sure, I have my bad days but I can get through them knowing that the next day things might be better.  

The hope that I have I try to share it with others.  Maybe what I share with them will help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is happiness in giving someone something that was freely given to me.  In my active addiction, life was more about taking than giving.  I was never satisfied; the more I took the more I wanted.  

One of the best things, I think, to give, is time.  I do get a lot out spending time with others when I give myself the time to do so.  Staying clean, I get to practice giving without expecting anything in return - one day at a time  

February 25th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Imperious

My life was centered around and ruled by drugs.  The imperious urge to find and get more by all means necessary.  I may have not gotten arrested and there a certainly things that I had not done yet, but as my disease progressed so did what I would do to get the next one.

I am so grateful that, today, I do not have to live my life one hit at a time.  Cravings still pop up now and then however, today I have tools to keep me from acting on those cravings.  

In recovery, there will be cravings (crazy thoughts too).  With the support of my friends and family and by being honest with what I am going through I can push through those cravings and stay clean - one day at a time

February 24th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Venture:

I don’t believe that I have ever used this word correctly; I did not know that it involved risk.  How many times did I venture out all in the name finding the next hit.  

Every time that I was in public while under the influence, I was at risk of being arrested.  At any moment, where I sat in a drug dealer’s home, there could have been a raid and I would have been arrested.  Many times, in a paranoid state, I stepped out and into situations that I could have hurt myself or someone else (I once walk 9.5 miles because I was to paranoid to stay on the subway train).  Luckily, I made it to my destination (took over 3 hours, in the middle of the night… going from one borough to the next).  SO GRATEFUL that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

Now what about the road to recovery?  It was a venture that I was afraid to take and so desperately needed at the end of my active addiction.  

Life comes with risks and challenges.  Recovery has giving me the tools to help me make better decisions, to assess situations to ask for help, to question my perception of things; to pause.  I still make bad choices at times however, I am not beating myself up the way I used to about these ‘bad" choices.  There are lessons to be learned in everyone of them one of them being, which road not to take.

Staying clean opens the door to new possibilities.  I get to choose where I to take my life that is best for me - one day at a time

February 21st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Worthwhile:

“Give time time”, “Give yourself a break”, “Easy does it”, “What you put into it, is what you’ll get out of it”.

My worst day clean is better than my best day in active addiction.  The longer I stay in recovery the better living life feels.  Sure, not everyday is good day, but I am not waking up in the  morning wishing that I had never woken up.  

It was tough in the beginning, and I relapsed, but I kept pushin’ on, and life in recovery has been worthwhile since.  It’s not the job or the apartment, and it’s not money in the bank.  What it is that, in recovery, I became employable again; I was able to move out of an SRO (Single Room Occupancy [supportive housing]) and into my own place of which I pay my own rent; I am no longer spending my last dime chasing the first high; I can stop and smell the flowers; I have feelings; I enjoy being around people; I am not wishing I were dead anymore; I have hope - That is truly a miracle!

These things did not happen overnight, and the universe didn’t just drop it all onto my lap; I had to put in some effort to have these come about.  First things first, I have to stay clean.  Without recovery I will lose everything and possibly lose my life.  I am not perfect; I may fall short at times, but I can now learn from my shortcomings and continue moving forward - one day at a time

February 20th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Socialize:

I was the wallflower swaying side-to-side to the music.  All by myself, believing that no would want to talk to me; I was too afraid to approach anyone else; I believed that I would say something stupid and embarrass myself. 

Avoiding talking to some people by lighting up a cigarette (back when I smoked and smoking was allowed in bars and clubs [NYC]).  This is similar to today, where people quickly start fiddling around with their smartphones to avoid something or someone.  My insecurities isolated me in a room full of people.  And then, I would have a drink.  

The term “liquid courage” I heard for the first time in rehab.  That must of been why I was drinking; I wouldn’t start dancing until I had a few drinks; wouldn’t talk to anyone until I had another; wouldn’t go home until the lights came on or I was asked to leave.  Sheesh, and I was afraid that I would “say something stupid.”

As I came closer to hitting rock-bottom, forming a sentence became difficult and comprehending what someone was saying to me was just as hard.  Being so dazed and confused yet still using the very substance that was keep me in that state.

There is lots of fun to have in recovery with great people that support me on my journey.  Meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends are great rewards that recovery has given me.  My world was so small when I was using and at the bottom the only other person that was in my world was the dealer (he’s dead). 

Recovery is helping me to be more comfortable in my own skin so that I become more approachable and open to the world around me - one day at a time

February 19th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Outsider

I think if I walked into a room of 20 men that all looked like me, had the same name and birth date, had all the same likes and dislikes, I would still feel like an outsider.

Growing up, my mother would constantly remind me that I was not American even though I was born here in NYC and raised just outside of the city.  Yes, I am the son of immigrants.  I found not being able to identify with African-Americans.  I was not raised in a household where stories of the civil rights movement were told by parents and grandparents with first-hand accounts.  The culture in our home was different; as with many other immigrant family households I’m sure.  This is just one example of me not feeling like I fit it.  I was an outsider to my own race.  

Later, things like being called on last during gym class or being bullied further had me feeling not-part-of.  Coming of age and questioning my sexuality also made me feeling like I was alone.  

There were moments where, on the outside, I acted as part of group but I was going through so much turmoil inside that I just didn’t feel like I belonged.  I hid this feeling for many years.  In those years, came a few attempts at ending my life because of this loneliness.

I should be dead.  

Recovery has saved my life.  I am not alone, I am not terminally unique; there are others who ‘get me’.  We outsiders are the in-crowd.  

In recovery I belong; it is here that I put in the effort to stay - one day at a time  

February 18th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Perceive

How I perceive reality is a bit off.  Especially in my relationships with others. 

Being filled with mistrust, fear, and doubt I have the tendency to see situations as threatening.  Even if I were right, whatever I’m perceive something be becomes the huge elaborate tale of madness in my head.  My head is a dangerous to be.  

One thing that being in recovery is teaching is to be honest with others about what I am feeling or sensing.  How I perceive a situation may not be what is actually happening.  Also, my perception of what a person is doing (to me, or to others) may not match that party’s(ies’) intent.  If I am not willing to be vulnerable, and let my feelings be known, then I’m off to the races again; stuck in my head, wheels spinning, turning something quite innocent, or simple, into a power greater than myself.  

Not only am I learning to open and honest, I am more willing to listen to what others have to say about what I have expressed.  Before recovery, I told you what I felt and I thought because I was feeling it, then it had to be right.  Reality was whatever my mind concocted.  

Recovery has taught me that feelings aren’t facts but it is fact that I do feel.  It takes practice to not allow my feelings to fashion conclusions for me.   Recovery is helping me to remain open to what is real - one day at a time  

February 17th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Void

Putting down crystal left me empty.  I was empty while using crystal however I thought it was making me feel whole.  Even when it wasn’t working anymore it was what I turned to fill the void.

It was all I had left.  My friend, crystal meth.  When I stopped using it was like a break up.  What I had to do was start taking care of myself.  I needed aftercare (outpatient rehab) once I was done with inpatient.  This was one thing that occupied some of my time 3-5 days per week for my first year.  I did have a lot of time on my hands and that was dangerous.  Plus, it helped for me to not isolate by having someplace to go.  Slowly, I made new friends and reconnected with friends and family that would support me in my recovery.  That void was starting to get filled with the love and caring of those friends and family members.  

Also, staying connected with others in recovery and listening to how they stay clean daily.  I thought I couldn’t live without drugs but seeing others change their lives gave me hope for myself.  Nothing better than to be filled with hope.  

So, in the little over 2 years now that I have been clean, I’ve become employed, I returned to school, I moved out of the room where I did a lot of my drug use in and into a better place; I isolate a whole lot less.  I have wonderful people in my life that bring me such joy when I with them.  

Life is really full right now and I am so grateful for the rewards that recovery has given me.  I don’t want to feel empty again so I must continue to do what is needed to stay in recovery - one day at a time.

February 16th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Pugnacious

My mother used say, “You always have something to say!”  She was right.  I couldn’t leave well enough alone; I had to be right about something and I would go on and on beating a dead horse.  

Whether I imagined it, or not, I felt i did not have a voice and when I did use it was of course to have my way and not yours.  I still do this.  Am I pugnacious in character?  In some ways, yes.  Most of the time, I think, I cower away confrontation.  However, where there was no reason for conflict, I have been known to stir up the pot and turn a situation into something it was not, Drama.  Feeling threatened, envious, less-than; these will put me into that mode.  

In recovery, awareness and acceptance of this character flaw is important.  If I deny that I have this tendency then I will continue to use it, most of the time unknowingly resulting strained relationships.  So, what do I do?  Practice letting go.  I am not always right, I don’t need to be right, if I am in this mode, then try and snap out of it; Agree to disagree.  

Recovery is helping me to see that by surrendering I then join the winning side; there is freedom in letting go - one day at a time

February 15th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Regain

When I first started out on the road to recovery I thought it was to regain the life I once had before the drugs became a problem.  "Wait a minute! I’m sure it was my old life (behaviors et al) that led me to using drugs in the first place.“ 

However, I wanted the job back right away; I wanted to have a nice apartment again; finish my degree; all this stuff I wanted back in my life and yet I didn’t know how to stay clean.  I relapse a few weeks after completing a 28 day stay in rehab.  I was given the tools but still wanted things my way and I didn’t really care to use those tools.  What I succeeded in doing was regaining the misery from where I left off before entering a rehab facility.

In recovery, I have learned that it’s not about the drugs.  It is obsession and compulsion to use, it is my upside down thinking, it is my behaviors, and how I perceive the world; those are the problems.  This is my disease.  The disease of addiction. 

To stay clean, I needed to change everything.  My old life was filled with so much pain and suffering.  There is no reason for me to go back there; I don’t live there anymore.  I have life now that I could not have imagined for myself.  I have tools to that I must continue to use to arrest my disease.  One of the greatest gifts and tool is my connection with others just like me.  Without their help, their example, and their love I would not know what to do.

Recovery is giving me a new way to live - one day at a time

February 14th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Perfectionism

I once heard someone say, “Perfectionism is another word for Laziness.”  Wow, when I heard that I laughed.  I laughed because I totally identified with that; I had never heard it said that way before, ever.  

I when I can’t things to go my way, I end up not doing anything at all.  That’s a very spoiled brat approach to things.  Many times I want what I want to fall out of the sky without me having to any work to get it.  When that doesn’t happen, I sulk and mope and have pity party for myself because I feel that the world is against me; that I have bad luck; that no one wants to help me.  Truth is, if I got my ass and actually put some effort into achieving my goals, then they may just come fruition.  Problem is that I may do just that but I want to be in control of how it all happens.  And again, if one thing doesn’t go my way I may end up just quitting it all together (laziness). 

Recovery is helping me to accept that the universe is working in my favor when I take the next right action.  What I am trying to achieve in life will happen in its own time and it own way.  When I force my will onto situations I lose out on life’s lessons.  It’s OK to not be perfect; It’s OK to have some failures that’s where the lessons are learned.  My way is not always the right way.  

In recovery, I learn to put in the effort and to let go of the results.  Meaning, not to beat myself up about things that I felt have gone wrong and not to allow my successes to cloud my mind into thinking that I’m all that!  

The only thing that I need to do perfectly in life is to not pick up that first drug - one day at time. 

February 13th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Broken

Many years I felt that I was damaged goods; being gay, being black, having eczema, being sick all the time; later on contracting HIV; just to name a few things.

Broken was to say the least of what I felt about myself.  Drugs didn’t change what I thought of myself deep inside.  They only temporarily kept me from thinking about it.  Temporarily, I said; meaning I had to keep doing more drugs to stop being so self-conscious of what I thought and felt were my shortcomings.  They worked until they stopped working.  

All the drug use also kept me from realizing what other aspects of my life were broken due to my using.  My relationships with friends and family; my perception of reality; the alignment of my morals and values with my actions; all of these were broken.  

Recovery is helping me to pickup the pieces.  It also helps me to see the things that are not important and/or don’t need fixing.  Lord knows I can break anything that should have been left alone in the first place.  Basically, I am practicing to be less willful and to be more willing to let go, and to live and let live.  

I am growing to love myself more and I am more accepting of things I cannot change; all I can do is change me and recovery is helping me to that - one day at a time.