February 29th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Dream:

A life beyond my wildest dreams.  That’s what is possible in recovery.  

For me, wildest dreams equals nightmares.  What had become life, what I made my life into, and how I saw my life as being was all a nightmare.  Thinking that I had arrived, that I somehow was fulfilling my dreams on a dance floor, doing another bump, and not sleeping until Sunday evening was truly insane thinking.  I was accomplishing nothing more than escaping my reality for brief periods of time.  

The lights always came on… and life outside would always be there.  

So discontent with my present I blamed everything on others; My parents, the educational system, my family, God, being black in America, a boss or an organization et al were all to blame for my present hardship.  Hmmmm, maybe it’s the drugs, I said never.  

I would beat myself up about not pursuing a dream of mine to be a singer (at one time in my life, I did have a great singing voice).  Naturally, I blamed my parents and the educational system for my lack of motivation to chase this dream.  That didn’t work out very well.  Putting down the ‘party’ didn’t really cross my mind.  

Not having a degree; well, that’s because I’m black in America.  Wrong!  Maybe it was being at the club/bar on a school night was more important.  Yup, that could have been it. 

If I were not fired from that job, then I would be running that company by now.  Oh really, with what degree. and how many Mondays did I miss work? I dreamed big, I made Associate.  Oh wait, that what they call all their employees.  

So, what happens now?

I stopped using drugs and started working on the issues that I became am Escape-aholic to cope with.  I am still working on those issues.  I try to not blame others for my challenges in life.  I know now and accept my limitations and seek out help when needed.  I concentrate on my strengths and try not sabotage things that are going well and in their own time (that’s the toughest one). In doing that, new dreams have awakened.  Dreams of happiness, of having and keeping wonderful people in my life and me being a part of their lives, of being a better person today than I was yesterday, achieving my goals not for status but because it can be done and it feels right. 

As long as I do not pickup that first drugs, I will far removed from the nightmare and the possibilities are endless.  In recovery I get to live in the present, dream big, and do something about it - one day at a time.

March 1st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Intuition:

It burned and my eye teared when I did it…

If I knew how many tears I would shed after that first bump, I would have never done it in the first place.  

Looking for an escape from life, I though I had found it and that I had arrived when I got to the corner of 27th Street and 12th Avenue (The Tunnel).  I took a bus from Rockland County, NY (the last bus) to NYC not really knowing where I was going.  Didn’t know, 20 years ago, that Chelsea was not a safe place to walk through.  I was determined to meet the guy I was chatting with on the chatline.  

Nothing told me that anything I was doing was wrong.  I walked over to 12th Avenue and walked down to 27th Street.  From across the street I could see all these amazing characters waiting to be let in.  I looked at my own attire and felt so out of place.  Still across the street, I got to curb and was ready to turn back around, even thought I didn’t know how I was going to get back home, when the doorperson pointed at me (the lonely boy across the street) and beckoned me to come.  Everyone on line, and waiting for the guest list turned around and watched as I entered the club.  When I say I felt like I arrived, that was the start of it.

No gut feeling told me to do it, nor did one tell me to not do it.  All I know is that I thought I found the answers to everything that night.  I did many drugs that night not paying for any of it.  I met the guy, nothing happened except him introducing me to crystal meth and me saying hello to her.  His friends, knowing that I was club virgin provided all the other drugs.  

I experienced 2 blackouts that night and still I didn’t stop.  From then on it became second nature… the party, the drugs, where to go and where to find it.  Nothing else mattered.  Any gut feelings I had about anything did not stop me from getting the next hit.  

Situations did indeed baffle me.  Towards the end, I moved at the speed of Fucked Up.  Saying a complete sentence was difficult let alone trying to understand what someone was telling me.  At any moment in my active addiction, I could have been stopped by authorities or doors could have been busted open by the FEDs while I sat in a drug dealer’s home waiting to get loaded.  Something like that probably would not have phased me except for the fact I would wonder how I was going to get another hit.  

Now, in recovery, I am given the opportunity relearn interacting with others.  I learn from others how deal with, cope with, handle those baffling situation in healthy ways.  I know trust my gut feeling maybe because I have developed a conscience now while before my main concern was getting high and fuck whatever else could happen.  

Recovery has helped me to gain insight on many level regarding day to day living.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ does still get in the way but with practice I can learn to stop those negative thought processes refocus on living life on life’s terms - one day at a time  

February 17th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Void

Putting down crystal left me empty.  I was empty while using crystal however I thought it was making me feel whole.  Even when it wasn’t working anymore it was what I turned to fill the void.

It was all I had left.  My friend, crystal meth.  When I stopped using it was like a break up.  What I had to do was start taking care of myself.  I needed aftercare (outpatient rehab) once I was done with inpatient.  This was one thing that occupied some of my time 3-5 days per week for my first year.  I did have a lot of time on my hands and that was dangerous.  Plus, it helped for me to not isolate by having someplace to go.  Slowly, I made new friends and reconnected with friends and family that would support me in my recovery.  That void was starting to get filled with the love and caring of those friends and family members.  

Also, staying connected with others in recovery and listening to how they stay clean daily.  I thought I couldn’t live without drugs but seeing others change their lives gave me hope for myself.  Nothing better than to be filled with hope.  

So, in the little over 2 years now that I have been clean, I’ve become employed, I returned to school, I moved out of the room where I did a lot of my drug use in and into a better place; I isolate a whole lot less.  I have wonderful people in my life that bring me such joy when I with them.  

Life is really full right now and I am so grateful for the rewards that recovery has given me.  I don’t want to feel empty again so I must continue to do what is needed to stay in recovery - one day at a time.

February 16th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Pugnacious

My mother used say, “You always have something to say!”  She was right.  I couldn’t leave well enough alone; I had to be right about something and I would go on and on beating a dead horse.  

Whether I imagined it, or not, I felt i did not have a voice and when I did use it was of course to have my way and not yours.  I still do this.  Am I pugnacious in character?  In some ways, yes.  Most of the time, I think, I cower away confrontation.  However, where there was no reason for conflict, I have been known to stir up the pot and turn a situation into something it was not, Drama.  Feeling threatened, envious, less-than; these will put me into that mode.  

In recovery, awareness and acceptance of this character flaw is important.  If I deny that I have this tendency then I will continue to use it, most of the time unknowingly resulting strained relationships.  So, what do I do?  Practice letting go.  I am not always right, I don’t need to be right, if I am in this mode, then try and snap out of it; Agree to disagree.  

Recovery is helping me to see that by surrendering I then join the winning side; there is freedom in letting go - one day at a time

February 5th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Blame

I know all there is to know about he blaming game…

I was the victim!  Everything that went wrong in my life was someone else’s fault.  My mother, my father, God, the vodou lwa, the teacher, my ex, my boss, white people, straights; I could go on.  

What I was failing to realize that there was so much in my life that I volunteered for; they didn’t just happen to me.  I put my in situations that caused me harm and may have harmed others.  All the while, blaming my problems on the sins of my father.  Or believing that my mother did not do her best in raising me. Or that God was punishing me for some past life.  Or I didn’t get the job because the interviewer is a bigot.  The more I stayed in this negative thinking, the more  projected onto others, the more I used.  I wasn’t the problem, you all were.    

My parents or God didn’t put me in psych-ward.  I had a psychotic break while using and ended up there.  I didn’t get the job because maybe I lied on my resume or simply didn’t qualify.  My HIV+ is not a punishment from God, I had sex and I contracted HIV from an encounter.  

Sure, there are some things that I had no control over.  Beatings, verbal abuse, being bullied as a kid, and being raped as an adult.  Those experiences play are part in who I am and who I am not today. For too long I allowed those events to reside in the present.  Creating self-imposed limitations in my life based on my past kept me stuck and unable to grow and move forward.  Keyword is self-imposed.  Even when I blamed others for they’ve done it was almost like these acts were being committed now.  

In recovery, I am learning to not get stuck in the past; I don’t live there anymore.  I get to pause to see what role I play in the events that shape my life today and how my actions affect others.  It’s a hard pattern to break after so many years of blaming everyone else for my issues but staying clean gives me the opportunity keep the focus on the  man in the mirror - one day at a time

February 2nd - In Thought

Word of the Day - Confidence

I had lost all confidence in the world, in my self, in God.  I was hopeless; didn’t believe that I could be helped didn’t believe that anyone would help me.  

The help that I desperately needed had to come by surrendering and having faith that I would be taken care of.  Being without purpose and hope I could not see an alternative way to live.  My whole life centered are using. My drug of choice, crystal meth, gave me a false confidence in myself and the escape of my mistrust of the rest of society.  Like all quick fixes, it stopped working after a while.  Even though I remained true to it, the drug was no longer my reliable ally.  It could not be trusted and I could not be trusted as long as I kept using it. 

It takes a lot of courage to admit defeat and allow myself to grow from that experience.  It took some time for me to trust myself and to trust that the universe would provide for me if I continue to take the next right action and let go of the results. 

Today, I have found myself transitioning off of public assistance (Yes, I am employable again.  I am in school part-time; I no longer live in an SRO (Single Room Occupancy). Photography, something that I have always wanted to do is now a fun hobby of mine.  I mention these things because I thought I didn’t deserve a better life.  I didn’t believe that I could change.  Then I saw in recovery the lives of addicts changing and they continued on their path, living life on life’s terms.  Their experiences gave me hope; if they can do, then so can I.  

Staying in gratitude during the challenges that I face is difficult and I must practice this principle daily (multiple times per day). In recovery there is evidence all around me that if I stay clean I can get through anything and achieve so much - one day at a time.  

February 1st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Diminish 

When I came into recovery I was a diminished being.  My once best friend reduced me to less of man and yet I could let crystal meth go.  The drugs that once gave me my confidence, courage, and befriended me had stopped working long before I made the decision to stop.

Having to come to terms with my drug problem was difficult. It was hard to accept that the very thing that I used to cope with feelings of less than was making me into that very feeling. That’s the insanity of my disease; the drugs stopped working and yet I still turned to them to self-medicate my feelings.

Staying clean I get the chance to rebuild my life; to begin to have hope; to feel that I have purpose. The light inside me was adjusted extinguished when I using; I was spiritually bankrupt. My connection to universe is severed when I am high. I am so grateful for the moment of grace where I finally said that I had enough; that I sick and tired of being sick and I tired.

Recovery is a process of feeding my soul - one day at a time.

January 26th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Overgeneralize

So this may be a tough one.  I can’t remember why I chose this to be the Word of the Day a year ago today.  

I suppose my overgeneralizing was to keep focus off myself as much as possible.  Everyone else had a problem, not me.  And you had a problem with me then everyone that i considered to your kind were grouped into a subcategory of haters.  I was judgmental and usually wrong about what I was judging the person for and completely out of line for group them in a certain class of the like. 

What did my those-kind-of-people attitude lead me to?

Isolation!

EVERYONE hated me; at least that what I felt.  The fact is, I hated myself that I had to find something wrong with everyone else so that I could feel better. 

In recovery, I am trying, and I certainly am not perfect, to get the facts, to be more specific, to not project my opinion on the undeserving especially when I do not possess substantial evidence to support my claims.  For instance, I thought, back in the days, that those that did not do drugs at night clubs were boring people.  Truth is, I could not have an an intelligent conversation with them because I was high and so full of myself.  So because, one person blew me off then all the drug free folks were assholes and squares.  What an ass I was!

In recovery, I’m learning to ask questions, to try not to jump to unsupported generalized conclusions based on little to no information - one day at a time.

January 21 - In Thought

Word of the Day - Refer

Like I stated in the sidebar of this blog,  I am no expert on recovery.  So, I am using this post to refer you to some resources. If you, or someone you care about, wants to get help. Or you are looking for information on the disease of addiction, please see the following;  

I pulled these from ARG. (Great Source!!)

As I find more resources, that are not on this list, I will add them. 

Remember, You are not alone; There are people and organizations that can and are willing to help.  

Some Treatment Facilities

General Resources 

Addiction Treatment Forum:An educational site focusing on addiction issues, especially opiate addiction and treatment. 

American Council on Alcoholism :Dedicated to educating the public about the effects of alcohol, alcoholism and treatment. 

Do It Now FoundationPublisher of prevention literature 

Dual Diagnosis WebsiteMental Illness, Drug Addiction and Alcoholism, MIDAA®, MICA 

Focus Adolescent ServicesInternet Clearinghouse of resources, support and information 

Heroin Information Website 

Institute of Alcohol Studies:Information on alcohol and the social and health consequences of its misuse.

Join Together Online:A collaboration of the Boston University School of Public Health and The Partnership at Drugfree.org, delivering substance abuse and addiction news. 

Learn-About-Alcoholism.com:Educational resource covering all aspects of alcoholism. 

Mental Health MattersDirectory of mental health resources. 

Methadone Anonymous:Website that answers questions about methadone and has Methadone Anonymous support. 

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) 

National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA):Information on the cost of substance abuse throughout society and its impact on our lives. 

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD):Provides education, information, help and hope in the fight against substance abuse. 

National Inhalant Prevention Coalition (NIPC):A resource for parents, educators and professionals on inhalant abuse. 

Pharmacy Technician:Pharmacy Library: Alcohol Addiction and Alcoholism Facts 

Recovery Connection:A website and that helps people locate addiction treatment centers and drug rehabilitation programs. 

StrugglingTeens.com:Woodbury Reports presents resources for parents and professionals trying to help at-risk teenagers.

Teen Drug Abuse:Educational site about why teens begin using, what they are using, and how those drugs are affecting teens physically, socially, and mentally. 

Web of Addictions:Provides accurate information about alcohol and other drug addictions. Resource for anyone needing factual information about abused drugs.

Eating Disorders Resources 
Academy for Eating Disorders (AED):Multidisciplinary association of academic and clinical professionals with demonstrated interest and expertise in the field of eating disorders. 

The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness:Aim is to disseminate educational information to parents and caregivers about warning signs, dangers and consequences of anorexia, bulimia and other related eating disorders. 

The American Anorexia Bulimia Association, Inc. (AABA):The AABA works to increase the public’s consciousness of Eating Disorders - their prevalence, the early warning signs and symptoms. 

Anorexia Nervosa & Related Eating Disorders, Inc.:Provides information about eating and exercise disorders - general information, warning signs and details about recovery and prevention. 

The Center for Healthy Living’s Eating Disorder & Resource Guide:Complete source for learning about eating disorders and treatment options. 

Eating Disorders Referral and Information CenterInformation and treatment resources for all forms of Eating Disorders. 

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD):Dedicated to alleviating eating disorders and promoting a healthy lifestyle. 

National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA):Dedicated to expanding public understanding of eating disorders and promoting access to quality treatment for those affected along with support for their families through education, advocacy and research. 


Problem/Compulsive Gambling Resources 
National Center for Responsible Gambling:Mission is to help individuals and families affected by problem gambling disorders. 

National Council on Problem Gambling:Provides information regarding problem and pathological(compulsive) gambling. 

North American Training Institute:Information regarding compulsive gambling prevention and treatment. 

Responsible Gambling Council (Ontario):Helps individuals and communities address gambling in a responsible way, through information, awareness/prevention, professional development and research.

Government Resources 
The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI):Comprehensive source of information and searchable databases on substance abuse prevention. 

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism(NIAAA):Supports and conducts research on causes, consequences, treatment and prevention of alcoholism and alcohol related problems. 

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) 

Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) 

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA):Assures that quality substance abuse and mental health services are available to people in need and strives to ensure that prevention and treatment knowledge is used more effectively in the general health care system.

Self-Help Resources 
AA Meetings Online:Directory of AA meetings on the Internet. 

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)

Al-Anon & Alateen 

Alcoholics Anonymous & Alcoholics Anonymous HistorySpiritual roots of early AA 

Anxiety Self Help 

Center for On-Line Addiction (COLA) 

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA)

Essence of Recovery 

Food Addicts Anonymous 

Gamblers Anonymous 

Gift From WithinInternational charity for survivors of trauma and victimization.

Internet Addiction 

Marijuana Anonymous (MA) 

Methadone Anonymous: 

Narcotics Anonymous (NA) 

Nicotine Anonymous 

Overeaters Anonymous (OA) 

People Helping People 

Recovery LifeDedicated to spreading the message of hope and strength to everyone in recovery. 

Recovery USA, IIcAddiction Recovery Supplies 

Recovery Zone 

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)

SMART RecoverySelf-Management & Recovery Training (A non-12 Step Recovery program) 

Sober Sources Network 

Sober Teens Online 

The Sober Village 

Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA)

State Mental Health Departments 
Alabama 

Alaska 

Arizona 

Arkansas 

California 

Colorado 

Connecticut 

Delaware 

Florida 

Georgia 

Hawaii 

Idaho 

Illinois 

Indiana 

Iowa 

Kansas 

Kentucky 

Louisiana 

Maine 

Maryland 

Massachusetts 

Michigan 

Minnesota 

Mississippi 

Missouri 

Montana 

Nebraska 

Nevada 

New Hampshire 

New Jersey 

New Mexico 

New York 

North Carolina 

North Dakota 

Ohio 

Oklahoma 

Oregon 

Pennsylvania 

Rhode Island 

South Carolina 

South Dakota 

Tennessee 

Texas 

Utah 

Vermont 

Virginia 

Washington 

West Virginia 

Wisconsin 

Wyoming 

January 12th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Subjective

Why did I choose this word one year ago?  LOL

Why? Why? Why?!!

There seems to always be a Why this? or Why that? going on in my head.  I felt i was being punished for something and the pain was so great that I used drugs to so that I wouldn’t feel.  The idea of God hating me, my family not wanting anything to do with me, and my friends are too embarrassed to say they know me was really how I saw things to be.  All of this created in my head but the feelings were real to me.  

******

God doesn’t want me to be happy… This why I’m gay, this is why I’m HIV+, this is why I am addict.  

My family and friends do not care… they feel ashamed, I am not like them, I’m boring, they feel that I am not good enough

******

Recovery has helped me to find a new God.  (I usually say universe these days).  Today, I do not feel that God is punishing me for my past digressions.  The fact is, I volunteered (meaning I put myself in situations that got me in trouble).

Recovery has little by slowly gave me the opportunity to reconnect with some family members.  As long as I stay clean, I still put in the effort to strengthen those relationships.  The same goes with old friends (ones that support me in my recovery) and with new friendships that I am making today.  I came to a the realization that they do care and love me.

Staying clean I get to quiet down the little bitty shitty committee in my head - one day at a time

January 9th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Delusional

As I came upon this day and this word of the day I asked myself, “Am I being delusional?  Do I believe that I am an expert at recovery and that experienced to write with "We” language? As I have been doing for the last eight “In Thought” posts.“  I assure you, I am no expert but I do have my own experience and when I speak in "We” I am hoping to have you identify and feel included.  However, I can not speak for everyone.  I can only share with you my story.  

Delusional, me? Oh yes I am!  

In my active addiction I felt the whole world was against me; that God hated me; that I am ugly; that I was destined to be alone; that I would never amount anything; that I didn’t have a problem with drugs - it was everyone else that had a problem with me.

Even the day, or should I say nights, when the drugs were ‘fun’ I was not as fabulous as I thought I was.  Little did I know, that my eyes were crossed, most of the time half-open; and I could not stand up straight without beginning to sway back and forth.  Strangely enough, everyone else seem to be able to stand still; or were most us swaying in the same direction so it just appeared to be leveled?

Another thing I didn’t realize was that while I was sitting alone, in my room, getting loaded, being angry at the world, and resenting everyone that had more than me wasn’t acomplishing anything but keeping me stuck.  How could the world be out to get me and yet they still haven’t knocked down my door?  I mean really, I wouldn’t leave my apartment, except to go get drugs, for weeks at a time.  Clearly the rest of the world must have known where I lived.  Well, don’t you?

And really, God has nothing better to do than use my life in some sick game of marbles?  Truth was, I had lost my marbles and kept using drugs thinking I knew better than anyone else.  #GameShowBuzzer

Before all the marbles were out of the chalk circle, I had a moment of grace.  I was done, I could not take anymore of the pain that I was causing myself; most of it was all in my mind; so much of the horror was not real or not what I made it out to be.  The pain was real.  

I came into recovery in pain, broken, and still believing that I deserved it and no one cared.  I am staying clean now to find that the world is just what it is, the world.  It is full of stuff that I may not like, stuff that gives me the chills, that scares me to death, that I run from, and that I run to, that I want to experience, that I want to share, that I love.  I don’t need to make the world into something it is not.  No longer do I have the desire to alter my perception, of our world, with drugs.  

Being in recovery is a real accomplishment that we get to experience and share with others - one day at a time.

January 1st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Measure

How do we measure recovery? 

No one comes into recovery shouting HIP HIP HOORAY!  We make it here kicking and screaming, angry, tired, spent, sad, ashamed, guilty, hating ourselves and the world around us.  The drugs were our friend and they were the only solution we had for the pain and suffering in our lives.  They seemed to work and yet we couldn’t see that our continued use led to job loss, failed relationships, and getting in trouble with the law.  

To know no measure…

The measures taken to get the next hit; we did things that we never thought we would do; stealing from our own families; sold our bodies; left our children alone at home while we went out to cop.  We come into recovery, and we learn a new way to live.  

For so many of us the rewards of being in recovery are beyond measure; being employable; staying out of prison; getting our kids back; no longer chasing the next hit.  These things may not come to us overnight; they will take time.  Staying clean today brings us one step closer to achieving what we thought could never be or that we did not deserve; happiness, joy, freedom.  

We never have to use again we are told.  Sounds impossible… however it is possible - one day at a time.