“Why is God doing this to me?!!”
Boy, did I ever scream that out loud a lot. Always the victim, whenever things did not go my way. Victim; I would catastrophize every little thing that goes wrong (all subjective) and not seeing the lessons, and only seeing the situation.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some events that I was victim to; robbery, rape, and a few other things. Those situations I could not control nor change their outcomes. There are other situations that I volunteered for; spending night after night in a bar or club, doing drugs, being in drug dealers’ homes, not going to work on Mondays (then Tuesdays, then Wednesdays). Those are just a few things, and I still could not figure out why my life was so unmanageable. Maybe it was my addiction?
In recovery I am learning to let go. Let go of those events that I had no control over. For too long I continued to play the victim. Those horrible events are not happening in the present but I held onto them and they weighed heavy on my shoulders, on my interactions with people, my relationships, the ideas of who and what I am and what I felt I deserved in life. I don’t have to live that way anymore.
I am also learning to look at my part in things; what role did I play in creating an unmanageable life? What role do I play in situations today that could lead to hurting myself and/or others. Trust me, I am not a Saint. Trying today to stay away from those people, in those places, doing those things is an everyday struggle. It gets easier with practice.
Recovery is really working. If you follow this blog, you may have noticed that I am behind on the ‘In Thought’ posts by a few days. Due to more responsibility at work, I’ve taking work home with me. The work has cut into my time to write these daily reflections. In the past, I would have really been upset by this and I would have started blaming everything, everyone and God. Especially God! Today, I’m grateful for opportunity, for a job, for a full life.
I am not going to forget my past, but I don’t have to live in the past. Today, it’s easier to let go and move forward - one day at a time
