February 28th - In Thought

Word of the day - Ornery:

Boy, did I ever think that I was nicest person you would ever meet especially when I was high.  Truth be told, yes I tried to be kind however I was just people pleasing to get my way, or I was too fucked up to argue anything.   Dealing with this ornery addict when he was not high was probably like pulling teeth.

I could hardly stand being around myself, so I am sure others were not content with having me around.  My self-righteous, judgmental, ill-tempered way about me was not cute.  

In early recovery suddenly I had emotions that I had not felt in a very long time and had to find a way to deal with them without using drugs.  I just broke up with my drug of choice and any break up is hard to go through.  Lashing out at those who were trying to help me became an all too frequent thing.  

Happiness is another feeling that was like brand new to me.  Today, because of recovery, I am generally happy and that happiness I wish to share with others.   Not in a boasting ‘oh look at me’ way but rather in a I grateful to have wonderful people in my life that have supported me in my trying to stay clean and part of my happiness is due to these great folks being in my life.  So, I wish be in their lives more to show my appreciation and share the happiness that they bring me with them.  

Putting everything I’ve just stated into practice is the challenge.  My stinkin’ thinkin’ still tells me that no one wants to be around me and that no one cares.  I just need to push through that!

Recovery has given me the opportunity to grow and change into a person that I want to be around - one day at a time

February 27th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Act:

Fake it until you make it…

That is what I was told to do; to act as if recovery is right for me until I actually believed myself.  

Now, this not to be confused with putting up a front or dressing up the outside when I was hurting so much on the inside.  Oh no, when I was using I had everyone thinking there was nothing wrong.  I didn’t have job so of course I wasn’t eating 3 meals a day.  The voices I was hearing, I told my therapist that my neighbors were harassing me and that had been doing it for so long that I hear their voices everywhere I go (sure nothing wrong with me… it’s them).  Show up now and then to social gathers while all the while itching to leave so I get home and use again.  

It didn’t take long for me to get tired of putting on an act.  In my active addiction my time was better spent getting, using, and finding ways to get more drugs.  

So what now, the masks come off.  I get to be me for me.  Not be someone else to please another, or to get what I want out of a situation. It’s tough looking into the mirror at my true self.  It was suggested to me to act as if I would be taken care of no what is revealed to me in the looking glass.  I try and practice this daily.

Accepting who I am, the good and the bad.  Practicing self-honesty; understanding my strengths and my limitations.  Recovery gives me the opportunity to work on being a man of character and not be a character - one day at a time 

February 26th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Give:

I give up! I don’t give a shit! Give me another chance!

I said the above many times in my life.  Lots of times I would give up before attempting start something.  Afterwards, I would lie to myself about giving a shit about it, or I would just tell myself that no one else cares anyway.  Always hoping for another chance if that something was going to be taken away.  

In the end, I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on living a fulfilling life.  All that mattered was getting the next hit.  They are some ‘yets’ in my story, but I was getting closer and closer doing things for that next hit that I thought would do.  Giving away property, my body… giving my dignity and integrity to the devil as long as I could get high.  So glad that I do not have to live that way anymore.

Recovery has given me an amazing gift; Hope.  It took some time to build up in me, but I feel strongly that all will be well as long as do not pick up that first one.  Sure, I have my bad days but I can get through them knowing that the next day things might be better.  

The hope that I have I try to share it with others.  Maybe what I share with them will help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is happiness in giving someone something that was freely given to me.  In my active addiction, life was more about taking than giving.  I was never satisfied; the more I took the more I wanted.  

One of the best things, I think, to give, is time.  I do get a lot out spending time with others when I give myself the time to do so.  Staying clean, I get to practice giving without expecting anything in return - one day at a time  

February 25th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Imperious

My life was centered around and ruled by drugs.  The imperious urge to find and get more by all means necessary.  I may have not gotten arrested and there a certainly things that I had not done yet, but as my disease progressed so did what I would do to get the next one.

I am so grateful that, today, I do not have to live my life one hit at a time.  Cravings still pop up now and then however, today I have tools to keep me from acting on those cravings.  

In recovery, there will be cravings (crazy thoughts too).  With the support of my friends and family and by being honest with what I am going through I can push through those cravings and stay clean - one day at a time

February 23rd - In Thought

Word of the Day - Sloth:

One of the 7 deadly sins…

Boy am I ever a sinner! I can sit there hoping that things would just happen by magic, and I would never have to put any effort into it.  Me not wanting to get out of bed (prior to finding a job) until 2pm; not cleaning my apartment; not even answering a ringing phone.  

I surely got up out of bed to take the next hit.  Drug use fueled my laziness; running away from responsibility.  

Recovery is showing me that living life takes work.  As much as I would rather not have to do anything, I still need to work on want I want out of life.  You get what you put in.  

Lack of action is harmful. 

Today, I get to work on living a life beyond my wildest dreams - one day at a time

February 22nd - In Thought

Word of the Day - Victim:

“Why is God doing this to me?!!”

Boy, did I ever scream that out loud a lot.  Always the victim, whenever things did not go my way. Victim; I would catastrophize every little thing that goes wrong (all subjective) and not seeing the lessons, and only seeing the situation.  

Don’t get me wrong, there are some events that I was victim to; robbery, rape, and a few other things.  Those situations I could not control nor change their outcomes.  There are other situations that I volunteered for; spending night after night in a bar or club, doing drugs, being in drug dealers’ homes, not going to work on Mondays (then Tuesdays, then Wednesdays).  Those are just a few things, and I still could not figure out why my life was so unmanageable.  Maybe it was my addiction?

In recovery I am learning to let go.  Let go of those events that I had no control over.  For too long I continued to play the victim.  Those horrible events are not happening in the present but I held onto them and they weighed heavy on my shoulders, on my interactions with people, my relationships, the ideas of who and what I am and what I felt I deserved in life.  I don’t have to live that way anymore. 

I am also learning to look at my part in things; what role did I play in creating an unmanageable life?  What role do I play in situations today that could lead to hurting myself and/or others. Trust me, I am not a Saint. Trying today to stay away from those people, in those places, doing those things is an everyday struggle.  It gets easier with practice.

Recovery is really working. If you follow this blog, you may have noticed that I am behind on the ‘In Thought’ posts by a few days.  Due to more responsibility at work, I’ve taking work home with me.  The work has cut into my time to write these daily reflections.  In the past, I would have really been upset by this and I would have started blaming everything, everyone and God.  Especially God!  Today, I’m grateful for opportunity, for a job, for a full life.  

I am not going to forget my past, but I don’t have to live in the past. Today, it’s easier to let go and move forward - one day at a time 

February 14th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Perfectionism

I once heard someone say, “Perfectionism is another word for Laziness.”  Wow, when I heard that I laughed.  I laughed because I totally identified with that; I had never heard it said that way before, ever.  

I when I can’t things to go my way, I end up not doing anything at all.  That’s a very spoiled brat approach to things.  Many times I want what I want to fall out of the sky without me having to any work to get it.  When that doesn’t happen, I sulk and mope and have pity party for myself because I feel that the world is against me; that I have bad luck; that no one wants to help me.  Truth is, if I got my ass and actually put some effort into achieving my goals, then they may just come fruition.  Problem is that I may do just that but I want to be in control of how it all happens.  And again, if one thing doesn’t go my way I may end up just quitting it all together (laziness). 

Recovery is helping me to accept that the universe is working in my favor when I take the next right action.  What I am trying to achieve in life will happen in its own time and it own way.  When I force my will onto situations I lose out on life’s lessons.  It’s OK to not be perfect; It’s OK to have some failures that’s where the lessons are learned.  My way is not always the right way.  

In recovery, I learn to put in the effort and to let go of the results.  Meaning, not to beat myself up about things that I felt have gone wrong and not to allow my successes to cloud my mind into thinking that I’m all that!  

The only thing that I need to do perfectly in life is to not pick up that first drug - one day at time. 

February 13th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Broken

Many years I felt that I was damaged goods; being gay, being black, having eczema, being sick all the time; later on contracting HIV; just to name a few things.

Broken was to say the least of what I felt about myself.  Drugs didn’t change what I thought of myself deep inside.  They only temporarily kept me from thinking about it.  Temporarily, I said; meaning I had to keep doing more drugs to stop being so self-conscious of what I thought and felt were my shortcomings.  They worked until they stopped working.  

All the drug use also kept me from realizing what other aspects of my life were broken due to my using.  My relationships with friends and family; my perception of reality; the alignment of my morals and values with my actions; all of these were broken.  

Recovery is helping me to pickup the pieces.  It also helps me to see the things that are not important and/or don’t need fixing.  Lord knows I can break anything that should have been left alone in the first place.  Basically, I am practicing to be less willful and to be more willing to let go, and to live and let live.  

I am growing to love myself more and I am more accepting of things I cannot change; all I can do is change me and recovery is helping me to that - one day at a time.

February 12th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Slow

I was lucky to have gone to an inpatient rehab and, then after, an outpatient rehab.  There are many that don’t ever make into any form of treatment.  It was in rehab that someone first wished me a ‘long slow recovery’.  Huh?

I wanted what I wanted and I always wanted it NOW.  There was no journey for me; it was only about the destination and everyone would have to get out of my way, or else.  When I got where I was going or when I got what I wanted I still was not satisfied; I wanted more. More of this, more of that, or something else until that was tapped dry too.  

Going into treatment I thought that was all I needed. A 28 day quick fix and then I could go back to what I was doing before rehab.  Well, in those 28 days I did learn something about disease of addiction.  It is chronic and can be fatal.  That was upsetting to me.  Boy did I start hating God of that. I’ve since gotten over that.  

Well, like any other chronic illness, I must continually seek treatment for my disease of addiction.  I did go to outpatient straight out of rehab - that helped immensely.  I was able to connect with others that suffered from the same disease as me and learn from those that were staying clean and had changed their lives.  One thing that I had to learn to do was to slow my roll.  Followed by learning to not force my will onto others and situations.  To this day these are not easy for me… Hey, I used crystal meth; everything was about instant gratification and nonstop craziness.  Little by slowly, I’m getting better at pausing and just letting things be as they are rather than trying to make things happen in my time and the way I want.  

So many of life’s lessons are learned when I take a moment and pause and experience the now. Staying clean I get to live the journey - one day at a time.

February 11th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Pattern

I catch myself all the time falling into behavioral patterns that I used do in my active addiction.  Fantasizing, comparing myself with others, isolating, putting up a front, procrastination and laziness.  Keeping myself in-check take daily practice.

My fantasizing takes my away from reality the same drugs did.  In turn, after enough magical thinking, I begin to compare myself to what I do not have and also to others (one minute used to compare can lead to a lifelong of despair).  Embarrassed by what I perceive my life to be, I begin to isolate and when I am in social settings I wear a mask of “I’m fine”.  Even when surrounded by others I can turn inward and close up.  More wishful thinking happens and yet I do nothing about making any changes in my life so that may have what I am looking for (procrastination is by biggest enemy; going nowhere fast).

In recovery I do what I can to recognize such patterns in my behavior and quickly change me course.  Sometimes, I am in denial that I am falling back into old behaviors and it takes someone else to point these things out to me.

Recovery helps be to remain open to constructive criticism and willingness to look into why I do the things that I do that can be detrimental to certain aspects of my life.  I am learning to take contrary actions to benefit my life and not harm myself or others in the process - one day at a time.

February 10th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Edify

I’ve heard some people say that drugs actually saved their lives.  What they meant was that they found a solution for them, at that time, instead jumping off a bridge.  It’s possible that this goes for me too; I had suicidal ideations most of my teenage years in to adulthood with 5 attempts of ending it all.  

Two of those attempts to take my own life was during a psychotic break while I was high.  So, drugs use in the beginning may have been a solution, however, towards the end I was back to wanting to jump off that bridge.  

One thing, I thank God for is music.  There are many songs out there that when I was in my darkest hour I would listen to and the lyrics did edify my diminished soul.  I am ever so grateful for lyricists, singers, composers and band that created songs that got me through.  

Today, listening to others share the experience in life as addicts and the hope as recovering addicts helps to lift my spirits as well.  I know that I cannot stay clean on my own.  I need to help and I get that help from others who have been through many of the same struggles I have and they still stay clean.   

Recovery helps me to remain open to having my spirit awakened  - one day at a time.

February 7th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Sketchy

No pencil here!!!

I’m so glad I don’t have to live that way anymore.  Those Sundays recovering from Friday and Saturday nights of drug use.  Falling into sketch mode as a started to crash from the substances. Indeed I wasn’t all there (in the head).  

Not knowing what to do with myself, I would tinker with projects or watch my computer defrag.  Wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with anymore.  Those days, I do not miss at all.

Staying clean I get to be present - one day at a time. 

February 4th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Share

Mine, mine, mine, mine! But you can have some if you stay with me. Oh I shared, I shared a lot. In doing that I was really keeping the other person hostage because I needed to be validated. Yes, I’m sure they took advantage of the fact that I was giving them drugs. Maybe I wanted others to share in misery as well.  It’s not my place to say if any using buddies of mine were addicts too; I can only speak for myself.  

My addiction did progress to where I lost interest in sharing my drugs, sharing my body, sharing my anything with anyone. My only interest was using. Hardly existing, alone in my room, paranoid, delusional, hearing voices, suicidal, even homicidal thoughts; I left my room to make appointments to keep the facade of everything being all right. I didn’t believe that I was an addict; I wasn’t an addict like the ones I had seen portrayed in movies; No, no, I was not one of the those.

On one of those appointments to see my therapist I collapsed in the waiting room. It was then that I shared that I had been using crystal meth.  Finally, it was out.  Something I desparately needed to get out.  It still took another two years for me get clean.  

In recovery, I don’t have to live that way anymore; chasing the next hit; barely living; degraded; hopeless.  Today, I get to live in the now.  Stay clean is helping me do that.  I share my story because that’s not where i live anymore; I live in the present and I have to remind myself of where I don’t want to be; alone in a room shooting up or smoking on glass pipe wishing I were dead.  

I listen to others who have been through challenges in life and stayed clean and moved forward.  Those stories give me hope that I can push through my own trials.  Staying clean I get to work on building strong relationshps with friends new and old, with family members.  Without the need for reciprocation  I get to share my life, my story, my love, my experience, my strength, my hope - on day at a time

February 3rd - In Thought

Word of the Day - Euphoric

I am find myself in states of euphoria in recovery and this feeling is now welcomed and appreciated in my life.  Happiness was something that was lost to me in active addiction.  

A power greater than me rushes over me.  Where does it come from? I don’t know.  Why am I having it?  I truly believe staying clean is a big part of it.  The work I put into my recovery comes back to me as rewards of serenity and happiness.  

My miserable existence, when I was using, included happy feelings only when I got what I wanted.  Even after that was accomplished I soon wanted something else and would go  about getting my way whatever way I had to. I was never satisfied.  Chasing after what I thought made me happy (validation, success, love) still feeling that I didn’t deserve any of it.  I feared all of it (I could accept a compliment I thought everyone was just being nice to me; I didn’t feel that I was good enough to make it in this world; I felt that I found love that it would be taken from me because i am destined to be alone).  Those things I feared, I chased.

Today, I have given myself permission to be happy.  To enjoy living, even with life’s ups and downs (it’s not all Rainbows and Unicorns) and that’s OK.      Staying clean is given me a high that I could never achieve on drugs.  I am going to continue to work on my happiness - one day at a time.

January 31st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Moralize

As if I were ever the go to person when it comes to what is right and what is wrong.

I surely feel like it sometimes.  What terrible character defect to have (self-righteousness).  I had an opinion on everything that was not any of my business.  My using days I would look at other with disdain like I was so much better than them even though inside I hated everything about me.  

Still, I catch myself getting into that mode (Walk on water).  It’s a behavior that I am so familiar that I must put contrary actions into practice to keep it arrested.  

Recovery brings the focus on me and what am I doing and what type of energy am I putting into universe.  I am putting in the effort to be more of an active listener and to be of service to others rather than to just have a moral-hypocritical-high-ground opinion on things and people.

Staying clean I am learning when to STFU - one day at time