Word of the Day - Subjective

Why did I choose this word one year ago?  LOL

Why? Why? Why?!!

There seems to always be a Why this? or Why that? going on in my head.  I felt i was being punished for something and the pain was so great that I used drugs to so that I wouldn’t feel.  The idea of God hating me, my family not wanting anything to do with me, and my friends are too embarrassed to say they know me was really how I saw things to be.  All of this created in my head but the feelings were real to me.  

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God doesn’t want me to be happy… This why I’m gay, this is why I’m HIV+, this is why I am addict.  

My family and friends do not care… they feel ashamed, I am not like them, I’m boring, they feel that I am not good enough

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Recovery has helped me to find a new God.  (I usually say universe these days).  Today, I do not feel that God is punishing me for my past digressions.  The fact is, I volunteered (meaning I put myself in situations that got me in trouble).

Recovery has little by slowly gave me the opportunity to reconnect with some family members.  As long as I stay clean, I still put in the effort to strengthen those relationships.  The same goes with old friends (ones that support me in my recovery) and with new friendships that I am making today.  I came to a the realization that they do care and love me.

Staying clean I get to quiet down the little bitty shitty committee in my head - one day at a time