Why did I choose this word one year ago? LOL
Why? Why? Why?!!
There seems to always be a Why this? or Why that? going on in my head. I felt i was being punished for something and the pain was so great that I used drugs to so that I wouldn’t feel. The idea of God hating me, my family not wanting anything to do with me, and my friends are too embarrassed to say they know me was really how I saw things to be. All of this created in my head but the feelings were real to me.
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God doesn’t want me to be happy… This why I’m gay, this is why I’m HIV+, this is why I am addict.
My family and friends do not care… they feel ashamed, I am not like them, I’m boring, they feel that I am not good enough
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Recovery has helped me to find a new God. (I usually say universe these days). Today, I do not feel that God is punishing me for my past digressions. The fact is, I volunteered (meaning I put myself in situations that got me in trouble).
Recovery has little by slowly gave me the opportunity to reconnect with some family members. As long as I stay clean, I still put in the effort to strengthen those relationships. The same goes with old friends (ones that support me in my recovery) and with new friendships that I am making today. I came to a the realization that they do care and love me.
Staying clean I get to quiet down the little bitty shitty committee in my head - one day at a time