Enough Tissues for Issues

Things (issues) start and end with me.  

I have sought outside help for many of the issues for many years.  There were many years that I self-medicated and did not seek out any other solutions and, there were years where I sought outside help while still self-medicating. I have worked with a mentor(s) which helped even more. Obviously, there is more work that needs to be done and more outside help that I want to seek out.

If I am presently going through something (one of my issues), whatever that issue it has nothing to do with anyone else. There are things that get kicked up and they fade away. There are other things that get kicked up and they may linger but they also fade away. Not in your time…. in my time.  Again, they have nothing to do with anyone; They have everything to do with me. Example; many moons ago, I was dating someone, and we were taking a walk…. at some point he grabbed my wrist to pull me close to him so that he could kiss me.  I freaked out and pulled away. After asking me a couple of times what was wrong I told about being raped. He was the first person I ever told. We didn’t date for long but every time he would hold my hand I would find myself letting go within a few seconds.  It had nothing to do with him. I can hold someone’s hands nowadays; This issue I had worked on and now and then it manifests in other ways like being hyper-sensitive.

No one has to walk on eggshells around me. Trust me, I will let others know when to back off, when it’s not a good time, etc etc.

So… I’m trying to stay clean, one day at a time. Relapse has happened in my life and I see that there is so much more work to done around my issues. Yeah, it’s gonna hurt; I’m gonna cry…but I’ve got to do this. 

I Hate Asking for Help...

I hate asking for help. When I do, it’s usually the last resort. Expectations and reservations come with asking for help. Truth is, I don’t really believe that I deserve assistance in anything.

My stomach turns when I find myself asking someone to help me. Especially with money matters. Self-reliant, I should be. ‘I have survived with less,’ I tell myself. Certainly, I can get through this setback.

I don’t want to live my life full of resentments. When asking for help I must examine my motives, lower my expectations and dig deep for what reservations I may have. People are going to disappoint me. I am human and so is everyone else. I believe everyone has that one person in their life that is always saying that they’ll do this and that for you, or with you. Promises you things that you have never asked for, and those things are never come fruition. I’ve learned to not continue to reach for the dangling carrot, and I don’t bother to call them out on those offerings. I just smile and nod when I hear them talk it up. “That’s nice,” “Sounds like that would fun,” “Really?”

However, when it comes to when I truly need something, and I ask someone, out of desperation, for help, then please, don’t say, ‘yes,’ please don’t say that if you know you’re not going to do it.

It’s hard enough, deflating the ego and swallowing my pride; I already feel unworthy, undeserving, and not-good-enough. Sometimes the people closest to me are the ones that trigger these feelings. Truly, I’m tired of living in disappointment. It’s not their fault. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results. Sometimes the people closest to me are part of the people, places, and things that I need to stay away from.

This post is me processing my feelings. I am not in control of other people. I am, however, in control of how I react to people and how I react to situations. Getting high is never the right answer. Pushing through this; I’ll be ok.