I am find myself in states of euphoria in recovery and this feeling is now welcomed and appreciated in my life. Happiness was something that was lost to me in active addiction.
A power greater than me rushes over me. Where does it come from? I don’t know. Why am I having it? I truly believe staying clean is a big part of it. The work I put into my recovery comes back to me as rewards of serenity and happiness.
My miserable existence, when I was using, included happy feelings only when I got what I wanted. Even after that was accomplished I soon wanted something else and would go about getting my way whatever way I had to. I was never satisfied. Chasing after what I thought made me happy (validation, success, love) still feeling that I didn’t deserve any of it. I feared all of it (I could accept a compliment I thought everyone was just being nice to me; I didn’t feel that I was good enough to make it in this world; I felt that I found love that it would be taken from me because i am destined to be alone). Those things I feared, I chased.
Today, I have given myself permission to be happy. To enjoy living, even with life’s ups and downs (it’s not all Rainbows and Unicorns) and that’s OK. Staying clean is given me a high that I could never achieve on drugs. I am going to continue to work on my happiness - one day at a time.