For a long time I was able to carry myself and made it appear to everyone else that I was a man with integrity. I wore many masks, I spoke in half-truths, I was kind to people while at the same assisinating their character in my mind; A self-righteous bitch is what I was.
Even in recovery, being a man of integrity I find to be quite difficult. In my acctive addicition my defaults usually were manipulation, laziness, blaming others, and self-seeking behaviors. Those behavioral patterns are not easy to break away from however; as long I continue to on my path to recovery I get to work on arresting those behaviors. They say it’s progress not perfection.
There are many virtues that my mother tried to instill in me whilst she was raising me. I remember many of the lessons but all of that went out the window when the disease of addiction had me its grips. Using drugs for the first time went against my own moral code and yet, I could not seem to truly find myself saying no to them for years.
I am trying today, not be a hypocrite in my dealings with others; to be true to my word. Recovery is helping with that process. The best way is for me to stay connected with others; to show up and be present; to be of service to my loved ones and myself; to not people please; to let my voice be heard when I do feel something goes against my values. I am stating these things as reminder for myself, because I know I do not put them into practice all the time.
Recovery is helping me to walk-the-walk, instead of just talking-the-talk - one day at a time.