As I came upon this day and this word of the day I asked myself, “Am I being delusional? Do I believe that I am an expert at recovery and that experienced to write with "We” language? As I have been doing for the last eight “In Thought” posts.“ I assure you, I am no expert but I do have my own experience and when I speak in "We” I am hoping to have you identify and feel included. However, I can not speak for everyone. I can only share with you my story.
Delusional, me? Oh yes I am!
In my active addiction I felt the whole world was against me; that God hated me; that I am ugly; that I was destined to be alone; that I would never amount anything; that I didn’t have a problem with drugs - it was everyone else that had a problem with me.
Even the day, or should I say nights, when the drugs were ‘fun’ I was not as fabulous as I thought I was. Little did I know, that my eyes were crossed, most of the time half-open; and I could not stand up straight without beginning to sway back and forth. Strangely enough, everyone else seem to be able to stand still; or were most us swaying in the same direction so it just appeared to be leveled?
Another thing I didn’t realize was that while I was sitting alone, in my room, getting loaded, being angry at the world, and resenting everyone that had more than me wasn’t acomplishing anything but keeping me stuck. How could the world be out to get me and yet they still haven’t knocked down my door? I mean really, I wouldn’t leave my apartment, except to go get drugs, for weeks at a time. Clearly the rest of the world must have known where I lived. Well, don’t you?
And really, God has nothing better to do than use my life in some sick game of marbles? Truth was, I had lost my marbles and kept using drugs thinking I knew better than anyone else. #GameShowBuzzer
Before all the marbles were out of the chalk circle, I had a moment of grace. I was done, I could not take anymore of the pain that I was causing myself; most of it was all in my mind; so much of the horror was not real or not what I made it out to be. The pain was real.
I came into recovery in pain, broken, and still believing that I deserved it and no one cared. I am staying clean now to find that the world is just what it is, the world. It is full of stuff that I may not like, stuff that gives me the chills, that scares me to death, that I run from, and that I run to, that I want to experience, that I want to share, that I love. I don’t need to make the world into something it is not. No longer do I have the desire to alter my perception, of our world, with drugs.
Being in recovery is a real accomplishment that we get to experience and share with others - one day at a time.