lonely
Solitude
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Today makes 33 months that I have not had sex with someone else. Do I identify as a sex addict? Actually, I don’t. However, I did take the suggestion of abstaining from sex for my first year in recovery. It is my belief that taking that suggestion helped me in my early recovery. I am more of a Love Addict. It was best for me to not get involved physically with anyone because I may have become too quickly attached to person and then it would be off to the races.
Here’s the funny thing; I have been clean for a little over 27 months now. I’ve mentioned this before, I stopped having sex 5 months before entering treatment for my addiction. It wasn’t about the sex for me - It was about being validated then it only became about getting high.
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and insidious. I found myself, last week, reverting back to old behaviors. Feeling lonely, I went online, onto a site for “hooking-up”, and within minutes I was entertaining the idea buying, using, and probably getting more (Drugs). The last message had the address and by the grace of God I closed the window and didn’t leave my apartment.
I had forgotten about being lonely; I simply wanted to get high. I’m if I had gone and procured my preferred substance, I probably would have found a way to get away from the guy so I could comeback home to get loaded up.
Not having sex is not going to kill anyone. My behaviors and secrets may kill me.
I need to change everything if I am to stay alive.
I saw this off-Broadway musical called Little House on the Ferry last night; it’s cute. Very gay!
Anyhooo, I was fine before and during the show, but afterwards I found myself feeling extremely lonely. Maybe it was the love story within the musical that got to me. IDK.
I hate this feeling. I used drugs to try to escape loneliness and other feelings. Self-medicating is not an option anymore. Hopefully, when I awake in the morning, this feeling will pass.
photo by Dan
Get a boyfriend, put a collar on him, and start issuing commands like, “Sit BooBoo, sit!”
If he considers himself more dominant, he may laugh at you. When he’s done with his chuckle, he’ll show you how it’s done. Which could be fun.
If he’s versatile, he may find it cute that you called him BooBoo and he’ll applaud your use of alliteration. Just give sharp tugs on his leash to show him you mean business.
If he is passive, and if you’re firm, he’ll sit right where you tell him to…
Or
Just get a puppy… Walking a puppy around town is an easy way to snag any of the above.
Him: Aw, how cute! what’s his name?
You: BooBoo.
