In my active addiction it became difficult for me to focus my attention on anything else but using my preferred drug and finding ways to get more. It didn’t matter what I used, I was obsessed and I felt compelled to use.
My every waking moment seemed to centered around when I going to use next. Whatever you had to tell me, or show me, didn’t matter unless it had to with my next fix. In an attempt to hide my problem(s); I still made my showed up for my appointments with my doctor, caseworker, therapist, et al. I would sit in agony in their offices, wishing that it was over already so I could get home and use again. I hardly paid attention to what these professionals were telling me.
One day, in my therapist’s waiting area, after I had been up for a number of days, I collapsed. Suddenly, all the attention was on me. It was then that I confessed that I had been using crystal meth. I was brought to the ER and still my thought were not on that I needed help; I could only think of how embarrassed I was and whether I still had any drugs left at home.
So, the cat was out of the bag. That didn’t stop me. Now, that my team of professionals, their to help me, knew of my drug use, I found myself only hearing “blah blah blah blah blah blah” whenever they spoke. It would take a couple of years before I was had the G-ift O-f D-esperation and with a moment of grace I was able to hear what their suggestions were for me.
Recovery is helping me focus on the things that matter in life - one day at a time.