OMG!! Did I suddenly develop a conscience?
I character assassinated everyone - sometimes verbally, other times with just a look. At the same time I was quite self-righteous and had a sense of right and wrong (twisted as it was); I was right and you were wrong.
I could not see how my behaviors was hurting others, nor did I really care, when I was active addict. Alienating myself from my family; spending night after night teetering with projects (I would make so much noise that I would keep my neighbors awake); whenever there was gossiping going on, I needed to chime in; everyone else had issues, I didn’t.
I didn’t come into recovery and suddenly was changed into Mr. International Moral High-ground. This is an on going process. It’s taking a lot inside work for me to identify certain behaviors and actions that do not align with my values. I remember sometime last year when I spoke to a friend of mine and told him that I felt sick to my stomach because I was gossiping about someone just a few hours earlier. He told me that I was developing a conscience. Something that lost in my using days.
Am I perfect? HELL NO!
There are still some character defects that I need to identify and work daily to arrest them. I catch myself gossiping and not staying contact with my loved-ones.
Staying clean and working on my recovery I get to dig deeper into what makes me to do the things I do and do these behaviors serve a beneficial purpose - More will be revealed - one day at a time.