February 24th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Venture:

I don’t believe that I have ever used this word correctly; I did not know that it involved risk.  How many times did I venture out all in the name finding the next hit.  

Every time that I was in public while under the influence, I was at risk of being arrested.  At any moment, where I sat in a drug dealer’s home, there could have been a raid and I would have been arrested.  Many times, in a paranoid state, I stepped out and into situations that I could have hurt myself or someone else (I once walk 9.5 miles because I was to paranoid to stay on the subway train).  Luckily, I made it to my destination (took over 3 hours, in the middle of the night… going from one borough to the next).  SO GRATEFUL that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

Now what about the road to recovery?  It was a venture that I was afraid to take and so desperately needed at the end of my active addiction.  

Life comes with risks and challenges.  Recovery has giving me the tools to help me make better decisions, to assess situations to ask for help, to question my perception of things; to pause.  I still make bad choices at times however, I am not beating myself up the way I used to about these ‘bad" choices.  There are lessons to be learned in everyone of them one of them being, which road not to take.

Staying clean opens the door to new possibilities.  I get to choose where I to take my life that is best for me - one day at a time

February 20th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Socialize:

I was the wallflower swaying side-to-side to the music.  All by myself, believing that no would want to talk to me; I was too afraid to approach anyone else; I believed that I would say something stupid and embarrass myself. 

Avoiding talking to some people by lighting up a cigarette (back when I smoked and smoking was allowed in bars and clubs [NYC]).  This is similar to today, where people quickly start fiddling around with their smartphones to avoid something or someone.  My insecurities isolated me in a room full of people.  And then, I would have a drink.  

The term “liquid courage” I heard for the first time in rehab.  That must of been why I was drinking; I wouldn’t start dancing until I had a few drinks; wouldn’t talk to anyone until I had another; wouldn’t go home until the lights came on or I was asked to leave.  Sheesh, and I was afraid that I would “say something stupid.”

As I came closer to hitting rock-bottom, forming a sentence became difficult and comprehending what someone was saying to me was just as hard.  Being so dazed and confused yet still using the very substance that was keep me in that state.

There is lots of fun to have in recovery with great people that support me on my journey.  Meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends are great rewards that recovery has given me.  My world was so small when I was using and at the bottom the only other person that was in my world was the dealer (he’s dead). 

Recovery is helping me to be more comfortable in my own skin so that I become more approachable and open to the world around me - one day at a time