Many years I felt that I was damaged goods; being gay, being black, having eczema, being sick all the time; later on contracting HIV; just to name a few things.
Broken was to say the least of what I felt about myself. Drugs didn’t change what I thought of myself deep inside. They only temporarily kept me from thinking about it. Temporarily, I said; meaning I had to keep doing more drugs to stop being so self-conscious of what I thought and felt were my shortcomings. They worked until they stopped working.
All the drug use also kept me from realizing what other aspects of my life were broken due to my using. My relationships with friends and family; my perception of reality; the alignment of my morals and values with my actions; all of these were broken.
Recovery is helping me to pickup the pieces. It also helps me to see the things that are not important and/or don’t need fixing. Lord knows I can break anything that should have been left alone in the first place. Basically, I am practicing to be less willful and to be more willing to let go, and to live and let live.
I am growing to love myself more and I am more accepting of things I cannot change; all I can do is change me and recovery is helping me to that - one day at a time.