In my active addiction, if someone asked me to evaluate my life, as it was then, I would have answered pretty quickly, “It sucks”. If I was asked if I was an addict, I would have said, “No!”
Today, those questions question would be answered differently. My life sucks sometimes. However, that’s all subjective. And yes, I am an addict in recovery. It took a very long time for me see, accept and admit that I had a problem with drugs. Also, that I was stuck in my shitty life because of my attitude and behaviors. My drug use was just a symptom of deeper issues.
I needed help, and continue to need help, in taking a look at why life sucked even when there was nothing going on. First things first, I had to stop using. I couldn’t learn to make an assessment of anything, let alone my life, until I put down the drugs and went into treatment.
At first, all I could focus on was the negative. In all honesty, the negativity was mostly in my head. However, I still saw the rest of the world as the problem and I was a victim. Recovery has showed me that I do not have to live that way anyway. That I do have the power to change my circumstances and to not focus on the things I cannot change.
Life does NOT always suck. My worst day clean is better that the best day using. If I continue to take the next right action, then everything will slowly fall together which can be just as overwhelming as when thing appear to be falling apart around me. In recovery I am gaining some wisdom to know the difference and how to deal with both - one day at a time.