February 21st - In Thought

Word of the Day - Worthwhile:

“Give time time”, “Give yourself a break”, “Easy does it”, “What you put into it, is what you’ll get out of it”.

My worst day clean is better than my best day in active addiction.  The longer I stay in recovery the better living life feels.  Sure, not everyday is good day, but I am not waking up in the  morning wishing that I had never woken up.  

It was tough in the beginning, and I relapsed, but I kept pushin’ on, and life in recovery has been worthwhile since.  It’s not the job or the apartment, and it’s not money in the bank.  What it is that, in recovery, I became employable again; I was able to move out of an SRO (Single Room Occupancy [supportive housing]) and into my own place of which I pay my own rent; I am no longer spending my last dime chasing the first high; I can stop and smell the flowers; I have feelings; I enjoy being around people; I am not wishing I were dead anymore; I have hope - That is truly a miracle!

These things did not happen overnight, and the universe didn’t just drop it all onto my lap; I had to put in some effort to have these come about.  First things first, I have to stay clean.  Without recovery I will lose everything and possibly lose my life.  I am not perfect; I may fall short at times, but I can now learn from my shortcomings and continue moving forward - one day at a time

February 19th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Outsider

I think if I walked into a room of 20 men that all looked like me, had the same name and birth date, had all the same likes and dislikes, I would still feel like an outsider.

Growing up, my mother would constantly remind me that I was not American even though I was born here in NYC and raised just outside of the city.  Yes, I am the son of immigrants.  I found not being able to identify with African-Americans.  I was not raised in a household where stories of the civil rights movement were told by parents and grandparents with first-hand accounts.  The culture in our home was different; as with many other immigrant family households I’m sure.  This is just one example of me not feeling like I fit it.  I was an outsider to my own race.  

Later, things like being called on last during gym class or being bullied further had me feeling not-part-of.  Coming of age and questioning my sexuality also made me feeling like I was alone.  

There were moments where, on the outside, I acted as part of group but I was going through so much turmoil inside that I just didn’t feel like I belonged.  I hid this feeling for many years.  In those years, came a few attempts at ending my life because of this loneliness.

I should be dead.  

Recovery has saved my life.  I am not alone, I am not terminally unique; there are others who ‘get me’.  We outsiders are the in-crowd.  

In recovery I belong; it is here that I put in the effort to stay - one day at a time  

February 18th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Perceive

How I perceive reality is a bit off.  Especially in my relationships with others. 

Being filled with mistrust, fear, and doubt I have the tendency to see situations as threatening.  Even if I were right, whatever I’m perceive something be becomes the huge elaborate tale of madness in my head.  My head is a dangerous to be.  

One thing that being in recovery is teaching is to be honest with others about what I am feeling or sensing.  How I perceive a situation may not be what is actually happening.  Also, my perception of what a person is doing (to me, or to others) may not match that party’s(ies’) intent.  If I am not willing to be vulnerable, and let my feelings be known, then I’m off to the races again; stuck in my head, wheels spinning, turning something quite innocent, or simple, into a power greater than myself.  

Not only am I learning to open and honest, I am more willing to listen to what others have to say about what I have expressed.  Before recovery, I told you what I felt and I thought because I was feeling it, then it had to be right.  Reality was whatever my mind concocted.  

Recovery has taught me that feelings aren’t facts but it is fact that I do feel.  It takes practice to not allow my feelings to fashion conclusions for me.   Recovery is helping me to remain open to what is real - one day at a time  

January 8th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Willing

We come into recovery quite resistant to change.  Having been in a relationship with drugs for so long, the very idea of not ever using again frightened us. The longer we stayed away from the drugs the more open we became to a better, happier life.  The evidence is seen in other recovering addicts living their lives without the use of drugs.  This gives us hope and strengthens our faith in the recovery process. We begin to feel that in recovery is not just were we need to be but where we want to be.  From honestly admitting we have a problem, and having faith in a power that could help us on a daily basis not pick up that first one, we ask for strength from that power to continue our journey on the road to recovery.     

In recovery we learn to let go and to not force our will onto others.  This is not easy.  Due to our self-centered egos wanting things our way or having a need to be right all the time.  Becoming willing is to admit that we do not have all the answers and we do not need to be in, or take, control of every situation.  If we continue to take the next right action, we will be taken care of and we can accept that we are exactly where we are meant to be - one day at a time.