February 9th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Deprive

Don’t think that because I grew up poor and deprived of the finer things (all relative) in life that is why I became a drug addict.  I had addictive behaviors before illicit substances ever came into play.

I was addicted to fantasy; i daydreamed a lot and dreamt of living a life like the Brady Bunch.  A life where all my troubles were explained, fixed, gone in just 30 minutes.  I even got commercial breaks in between.  That’s what drugs were for me; the commercial breaks.  

My life isn’t a 30 minute family sitcom.  To me, my life was never ending drama/horror B-movie that I could not get up from to use the restroom or get more popcorn.  I found my escape in drugs; when I couldn’t handle life on life’s terms I took a commercial break by getting high.  The problem is that I could not return to my regular scheduled program (My Life).

Time and time again I turned to drugs.  I deprived myself of success, loves, education, life lessons and experiences because of self-centered fear and doubt.  

Recovery has given me a life again.  A life beyond my wildest dreams. My wildest dreams were all nightmares so to no longer live in that horror is truly nothing short of a miracle.  Is life perfect? Hell No! But it surely feels good actually want to live it again.

Staying in recovery continues to give me hope for greater times and I have faith that I can get through the rough times - one day at a time.

February 6th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Unscrupulous

Murder is principle.  A moral one?  Maybe not.  

Life in active addiction is an unscrupulous life.  At least for me it was.  Mostly everything I did went against my former better moral judgment.  I could not see the wrongs I was committing against myself, my family, and society.  My tunnel vision only led me to my dealers and back home to use some more.  Nothing got in my way, certainly not scruples.  

Recovery has helped me regain a conscience.  I can see more opportunities to take the right action even it is the harder path to follow instead just going for the quick fix that might hurt someone or hurt me.  I don’t have to view situations with a “what’s in it for me?” or “how can I get over?” set of eyes anymore.  Pausing and assessing the bigger picture I can find ways to achieve many things without forcing my will onto you, him , them, her, or it.  

Staying clean I get to share and care and stay aware of how my actions affect others - one day at a time