February 15th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Regain

When I first started out on the road to recovery I thought it was to regain the life I once had before the drugs became a problem.  "Wait a minute! I’m sure it was my old life (behaviors et al) that led me to using drugs in the first place.“ 

However, I wanted the job back right away; I wanted to have a nice apartment again; finish my degree; all this stuff I wanted back in my life and yet I didn’t know how to stay clean.  I relapse a few weeks after completing a 28 day stay in rehab.  I was given the tools but still wanted things my way and I didn’t really care to use those tools.  What I succeeded in doing was regaining the misery from where I left off before entering a rehab facility.

In recovery, I have learned that it’s not about the drugs.  It is obsession and compulsion to use, it is my upside down thinking, it is my behaviors, and how I perceive the world; those are the problems.  This is my disease.  The disease of addiction. 

To stay clean, I needed to change everything.  My old life was filled with so much pain and suffering.  There is no reason for me to go back there; I don’t live there anymore.  I have life now that I could not have imagined for myself.  I have tools to that I must continue to use to arrest my disease.  One of the greatest gifts and tool is my connection with others just like me.  Without their help, their example, and their love I would not know what to do.

Recovery is giving me a new way to live - one day at a time

February 9th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Deprive

Don’t think that because I grew up poor and deprived of the finer things (all relative) in life that is why I became a drug addict.  I had addictive behaviors before illicit substances ever came into play.

I was addicted to fantasy; i daydreamed a lot and dreamt of living a life like the Brady Bunch.  A life where all my troubles were explained, fixed, gone in just 30 minutes.  I even got commercial breaks in between.  That’s what drugs were for me; the commercial breaks.  

My life isn’t a 30 minute family sitcom.  To me, my life was never ending drama/horror B-movie that I could not get up from to use the restroom or get more popcorn.  I found my escape in drugs; when I couldn’t handle life on life’s terms I took a commercial break by getting high.  The problem is that I could not return to my regular scheduled program (My Life).

Time and time again I turned to drugs.  I deprived myself of success, loves, education, life lessons and experiences because of self-centered fear and doubt.  

Recovery has given me a life again.  A life beyond my wildest dreams. My wildest dreams were all nightmares so to no longer live in that horror is truly nothing short of a miracle.  Is life perfect? Hell No! But it surely feels good actually want to live it again.

Staying in recovery continues to give me hope for greater times and I have faith that I can get through the rough times - one day at a time.

February 8th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Resistance

Coming into recovery, I was quite resistant to change.  Change is scary. Especially when I was so used to misery that pain became my normal state.  

I was filled with fear and doubt; afraid that I could not have a life without drugs and doubted there was any hope or help for me.  It was the  fear and the doubting that fueled my resistance.  

My psychiatrist tried to get to convince to go to rehab during many sessions but I refused almost every time.  I wasn’t ready.  I tried stopping on my own and that lasted for a month.  Maybe cause I was broke for 30 days, so I didn’t use.  Even outpatient rehab he suggested and I said no.  

Even in recovery I find myself resistant to things that are good for me.  Staying connected with others that support me in my recovery.  Doing simple things like making my bed in the morning or praying to be a better person so that I can be present for others I will put on the back-burner because I suddenly feel it’s not necessary . Thank God I can catch myself when I get into this mode.  Also, I am grateful to have honest friends that will call me out on times when I am being resistant to change.

Recovery helps me to stop getting in my own way and to remain open to opportunities for a better way to live - one day at a time. 

February 6th - In Thought

Word of the Day - Unscrupulous

Murder is principle.  A moral one?  Maybe not.  

Life in active addiction is an unscrupulous life.  At least for me it was.  Mostly everything I did went against my former better moral judgment.  I could not see the wrongs I was committing against myself, my family, and society.  My tunnel vision only led me to my dealers and back home to use some more.  Nothing got in my way, certainly not scruples.  

Recovery has helped me regain a conscience.  I can see more opportunities to take the right action even it is the harder path to follow instead just going for the quick fix that might hurt someone or hurt me.  I don’t have to view situations with a “what’s in it for me?” or “how can I get over?” set of eyes anymore.  Pausing and assessing the bigger picture I can find ways to achieve many things without forcing my will onto you, him , them, her, or it.  

Staying clean I get to share and care and stay aware of how my actions affect others - one day at a time