Putting down crystal left me empty. I was empty while using crystal however I thought it was making me feel whole. Even when it wasn’t working anymore it was what I turned to fill the void.

It was all I had left. My friend, crystal meth. When I stopped using it was like a break up. What I had to do was start taking care of myself. I needed aftercare (outpatient rehab) once I was done with inpatient. This was one thing that occupied some of my time 3-5 days per week for my first year. I did have a lot of time on my hands and that was dangerous. Plus, it helped for me to not isolate by having someplace to go. Slowly, I made new friends and reconnected with friends and family that would support me in my recovery. That void was starting to get filled with the love and caring of those friends and family members.

Also, staying connected with others in recovery and listening to how they stay clean daily. I thought I couldn’t live without drugs but seeing others change their lives gave me hope for myself. Nothing better than to be filled with hope.

So, in the little over 2 years now that I have been clean, I’ve become employed, I returned to school, I moved out of the room where I did a lot of my drug use in and into a better place; I isolate a whole lot less. I have wonderful people in my life that bring me such joy when I with them.

Life is really full right now and I am so grateful for the rewards that recovery has given me. I don’t want to feel empty again so I must continue to do what is needed to stay in recovery - one day at a time.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people. (p. 156, Just for Today)

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately; hopeless and lost. I lie awake at night, my mind racing on random nonsense but mostly how lonely I feel. Sometimes I will sit i front of my computer blogging, tweeting, checking Facebook just to try and fill the void yet, there is still something missing - purpose.

In a city of over eight million, I am not alone. But even when I amongst the masses I still feel lonely; like I don’t belong, like I have no reason for even being here. What is the solution?

I long to be in a relationship but, as the above states, this does not always alleviate the loneliness. Plus, I have a little over seven months clean & sober - It is suggested that one should not get into any emotional entanglements within the first year in recovery. I am not pursuing anyone and, to my knowledge, there are no callers at my door. Nevertheless, the loneliness, this matter of the heart, still, I suffer from.

This feeling, in the past, I would have used over. What I mean by use is that I would have self-medicated with my drug of choice; crystal meth. Today, I have to sit with these feelings. And that is OK. As well it should be, because this is what it means to be human.

I really need to put more of an effort into staying connected with people that I have met in sobriety/recovery. With them, I am not alone. We share a common bond. The sense of community helps to combat the loneliness. The social media way is not enough. It is lacking in appreciation of the human condition. Where as, one can luxuriate in the senses when he/she is with a friend, in person.

Please, Higher Power, give me the strength to be there for my friends, family, and fellows for the loneliness subsides when I am present for them.