Living life on life’s terms has been a roller coaster ride. Such as life, right? We all have our ups and downs. What do we do to cope with those peaks and valleys?
Uppers and downers, at times, I used them to keep me on an even keel but time and time again the drugs left me flat - flat on my ass, flat broke, caught flat-footed and any other idiom one could think up. There really isn’t much reason to go into the gory details in this post. As my disease progressed, I used whatever category substance was available, it didn’t matter what mood I was already in - I didn’t know what to do with my feelings - even to the good ones.
Now, living clean, I get to be honest with myself and others about the feelings that I am experiencing in the moment. Granted not everything needs to be said, however I do believe that if I practice acknowledging, by pausing instead just reacting, that I am experiencing something physically or emotionally, to myself, about a situation then I become more present for that situation. I will say, I don’t do it often enough. Being present is a lot better than feeling something (good or bad) and running off to use drugs because having feelings frightens me. Even being in a good mood become so unfamiliar to me that I always seemed to find myself ruining it by getting high.
Staying clean, I was able to get through what seemed like endless biopsies and removal of high-grade precancerous tissue that started two years ago. Death of friends; a few days ago I went to a viewing and funeral service for the first time. Yes, the first time; when I was using I simply did not show up. When I using I would find out that about the passing of anyone until months after the fact. Working on my recovery, enabled me to start looking for work and find a job, start career training, and put myself on the path to becoming self-supporting.
In recovery, for me, I have come to the realization that I am indeed human and it is OK to be human. I am learning how to not run away from my feelings; I get the chance to experience all the twists and turns with the uphills and downhills and I do not have to use over them - one day at a time.