I catch myself all the time falling into behavioral patterns that I used do in my active addiction. Fantasizing, comparing myself with others, isolating, putting up a front, procrastination and laziness. Keeping myself in-check take daily practice.

My fantasizing takes my away from reality the same drugs did. In turn, after enough magical thinking, I begin to compare myself to what I do not have and also to others (one minute used to compare can lead to a lifelong of despair). Embarrassed by what I perceive my life to be, I begin to isolate and when I am in social settings I wear a mask of “I’m fine”. Even when surrounded by others I can turn inward and close up. More wishful thinking happens and yet I do nothing about making any changes in my life so that may have what I am looking for (procrastination is by biggest enemy; going nowhere fast).

In recovery I do what I can to recognize such patterns in my behavior and quickly change me course. Sometimes, I am in denial that I am falling back into old behaviors and it takes someone else to point these things out to me.

Recovery helps be to remain open to constructive criticism and willingness to look into why I do the things that I do that can be detrimental to certain aspects of my life. I am learning to take contrary actions to benefit my life and not harm myself or others in the process - one day at a time.

pat·tern
[pat-ern; Brit. pat-n]

noun
1. a decorative design, as for wallpaper, china, or textile fabrics, etc.

2. decoration or ornament having such a design.

3. a natural or chance marking, configuration, or design: patterns of frost on the window.

4. a distinctive style, model, or form: a new pattern of army helmet.

5. a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc., forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement: the behavior patterns of teenagers.

6. an original or model considered for or deserving of imitation: Our constitution has been a pattern for those of many new republics.

7. anything fashioned or designed to serve as a model or guide for something to be made: a paper pattern for a dress.

8. a sufficient quantity of material for making a garment.

9. the path of flight established for an aircraft approaching an airport at which it is to land.

10. a diagram of lines transmitted occasionally by a television station to aid in adjusting receiving sets; test pattern.

11. Metallurgy . a model or form, usually of wood or metal, used for giving the shape of the interior of a mold.

12. Numismatics . a coin, either the redesign of an existing piece or the model for a new one, submitted for authorization as a regular issue.

13. an example, instance, sample, or specimen.

14. Gunnery, Aerial Bombing .
a. the distribution of strikes around a target at which artillery rounds have been fired or on which bombs have been dropped.
b. a diagram showing such distribution.

verb (used with object)
15. to make or fashion after or according to a pattern.

16. to cover or mark with a pattern.

17. Chiefly British Dialect .
a. to imitate.
b. to attempt to match or duplicate.

verb (used without object)
18. to make or fall into a pattern.